Fake Your Way Into Twilight Fandom: A Guide To Surviving A Sparkly Vampire World

Well, crew, New Moon has made like 8 kerbillion dollars this weekend (it's actually $140.7 million), which means that the entire world has gone Twilight crazy. Here are some tips for successfully navigating a sparkly vampire-obsessed world.

Fake Your Way Into Twilight Fandom: A Guide To Surviving A Sparkly Vampire World

Look, crew, it doesn't matter if you've read the books or seen the movies or not. We're now living in a Twilight world, controlled by Twilight girls. The army has amassed! They have pocket money and they aren't afraid to spend it! Sparkly vampires beat Batman at the box office, you guys. Edward Cullen and his stupid Volvo have defeated the Batmobile. This is serious biz, everybody. If Batman can't even beat the sparkle brigade, who can? YOU CAN, friends, if you follow these simple directions.


Fake Your Way Into Twilight Fandom: A Guide To Surviving A Sparkly Vampire World

Pick A Team: You're either Team Edward (sparkly Volvo-driving vampire) or Team Jacob (that's the 17-year-old werewolf who never wears a shirt). If a Twihard approaches you in the street and asks you which team you're on, you MUST choose one of these options. Just pick one! It doesn't matter! Lie about it! Don't try to be clever and say something like, "I'm Team Bella, because I like to support other women," because that will get you sent to Twilight detention, where everyone is forced to write a 10,000 word essay on why "Renesmee" isn't a stupid name.


Fake Your Way Into Twilight Fandom: A Guide To Surviving A Sparkly Vampire World

Forget Everything You Know About Vampires: Whatever, lit major who spent six years writing a thesis on the symbolism of blood as it relates to menstruation in Bram Stoker's Dracula! You are totally uncool if you think that kind of academic adherence to mythology and literature is going to impress the Twihards of the world. Dracula is old and boring. Real vampires sparkle in the sun, drink animal blood, and drive cars with impeccable safety standards. Try to bring up the historical background of vampires and you'll be greeted with something along the lines of "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist? I don't know, why don't you ask my grandma, who actually cares? TEAM EDWARD FOREVER."


Fake Your Way Into Twilight Fandom: A Guide To Surviving A Sparkly Vampire World

Keep Supplies Handy: Remember that body glitter you wore to the club in 1998? Well guess what? It just might save your life. Be sure to keep a bottle in your car at all times, so that when the Twilight army approaches, you can slather glitter up and down your arms and yell "I believe!" until they leave you alone. You really have to sell this, though. Nobody likes a sparkly vampire poseur. Go back to reading Harry Potter, so-far-behind-the-times girl!


Fake Your Way Into Twilight Fandom: A Guide To Surviving A Sparkly Vampire World

Get A Terrible Temporary Tattoo: If you find yourself surrounded by an obsessive crowd of Twihards, simply take a Sharpie marker and draw an incredibly heinous tattoo on your arm. It doesn't matter how bad it is, as long as it says something about lions or lambs or love in a slightly gothy font. You can even be lazy and write "Twilight RULES" on your hands; it's not the style, but the totally fake sentiment that counts.


Fake Your Way Into Twilight Fandom: A Guide To Surviving A Sparkly Vampire World

Attempt To Insult Twilight, And Then Run: If you really can't contain your disgust for the Twilight series, you're going to have to learn how to run, very fast. Don't even think of yelling "Twilight sucks!" at a local mall or bookstore or screening of New Moon, or death stares and several Burger King approved Team Whoever cups might be flung in your general direction. If you have to hate Twilight, go right ahead, but remember: we're in their world now. Even Batman can't save us anymore.

Twilight Dawns Bright At The Box Office [NYTimes]