Today, James Franco begins his months-long stint on General Hospital in some organized-crime-related and possibly performance-art-involving capacity. And we will be watching (with clips) ...after the jump.
2:55: Okay, I'm ready. I have my TV set to ABC, a mug of mediocre coffee, and some of Entemann's surprisingly excellent madeleines. Is this appropriate snackage? I think so. I will need to muster all my wits to follow this.
2:59 They say it's "shocking."
3:00 It's on. Philandering. Interrupted philandering.
3:01 That guy has rage issues. The woman is long-suffering. Oh, here are some obvious wise-guys in dark suits.
3:02 Some dudes are planning a hit. A beggar approaches. OMG, was that beggar FRANCO?! Wait, he's going to turn so we can see his face! Yes! And there's a cover of "Mad World" playing! It is so on!
3:03 The philandering lady is really nervous. MAYBE BECAUSE HER LOVER IS HIDING IN THE NEXT ROOM! Oh, and her sweet boyfriend is talking about buying land so they can build a home together. He wears the horns. The poor cuckold.
3:06 They're all planning a "Franco exhibit" at the gallery. Five years ago he was an anonymous wall-tagger, now he's a world-renowned artist. He's a recluse though. No one's ever seen Franco. Is he a facially-challenged Phantom of the Opera, they ask? Haha! If they only knew!
3:08 Hm, maybe a perky, fashionable blonde can coax the elusive Franco to do a photo-shoot...I guess "Franco" is like a Banksy figure?
3:09 This plotline with the angry guy and the tearful woman confuses and bores me. Bring on Franco.
3:10 A shootout. The beggar/Franco is lurking in the shadows. Eating something, like Stonewall Jackson on the battle-field. He is clearly a cool customer. He assumes some kind of...karate stance?
Commercial. 3:15 "James Franco's Little Brother Dave Franco?" Yeah, he's never heard that one before. Aparently he's joining the cast of Scrubs.
3:16 We're back. Franco's "art" is apparently some kind of installation of a crime scene.
3:18 This woman had to compromise herself 50 different ways every day. Claudia found out about Dante and used that information as leverage.
3:19 The shootout continues. People alternately die or disperse. Franco, smiling in a creepy and sinister way that indicates this might be some kind of "art" to him, lurks in the shadows, then waves after the departing gangsters.
3:22 Commercial. No, I don't want to cut corners by using a broth with MSG. I like the 365 Organic one, though.
3:23 Port Charles. Is her lover going to lurk in the other room this entire episode?
3:24 Good thing she concealed that cufflink. That was close.
3:26 Uh oh, she senses looming disaster at the Franco opening. Me too. I'm also anticipating a Count-of-Monte-Cristo-style entrance in a balloon.
3:29 Now Franco is rearranging a body. He throws some change at it. "Keep the change," he intones. Commercial!
3:30 I hate that bear Charmin campaign. I just imagine their fur all matted with excrement, which I would not have thought about otherwise.
3:33 It's back. Domestic drama. Dante. Sonny. Feuds. Secrets and lies.
3:35 With one word from John, Sonny will make Dante a dead man.
3:36 Crime scene. Something's off about the position of that body...
3:38 They need to find the homeless guy. He's the only witness!
3:39 It's Franco! Out of disguise, in a large, atmospheric, geniusy apartment. There's a piano. "I need you," he says into the phone. "Should I wear anything special, or nothing at all?" says a sexyvoice.
Commercial. Has anyone tried those new readymade cookies with the all-natural ingredients? No, there's no commercial for them on, just wondering.
3:42 It's back. Ok, we get it: Olivia will always put Dante first. I have no idea what's going on and I get it. Why doesn't John?
3:44 "Someone's not going to make it out alive." Yawn. Commercial.
3:51 It's back! Crime scene. And that body is definitely suspicious. In fact, someone crushed his windpipe.
3:47 Commercial. Sigh. A segment without Franco is like...regular General
3:49 Those Betty Crocker cookies makes me think of the part of Heaven to Betsy when Anna says, "Ja, and I'll bet they all taste alike!"
3:53 Why did the "homeless guy" wave at them? What's his deal? Mad...or mad like a fox with knowledge of crime procedure?!
3:54 Franco's face is being caressed by sexy woman! He is kinda sweaty! They ARE MAKING OUT! She speaks only in sexy one-liners!
Commercial. Sometimes I think the only upside to some awful freak accident death is that the New York Post would refer to me as a "beauty," regardless of actual appearance.
Oh, wait, it's over? Oh. It looks like Franco makes out with a lot more people next week.