19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

Strange things are afoot in the Sky Mall catalog! Check out lasers, kitty spaceships and sneakers that will make you "look like a million dollars" in a gallery, beginning below.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

1. Hair Max Laser Comb
For: Your uncle with the receding hairline?
Because if there's one thing that can solve any problem on earth, it's lasers. Everyone knows that. This thing has NINE lasers, for nine times the pain efficiency! The $495 price tag is a drawback; you'd better have a lot of cousins who want to chip in.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

2. Break-resistant Wine Glasses
For: Your Aunt Alkie?
Thanksgiving will be less embarrassing! But be warned: Auntie may experience a major drop in productivity, and you may have to drive her home.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

3. X5 Hair Laser or Toppik
For: Your other Uncle with the receding hairline?
Notice how the dead forest of hair becomes a thicket? It's magic! And the spray-on hair is better than that toupee.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

4. G Defy Sneakers
For: Your friend who just had a baby?
More energy, pain relief, etc. And the little sperm logo is just adorbs.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

5. Remote-Controlled Tarantula
For: Your Goth niece?
The black widow will help her on her mission to frighten her parents in brand new ways.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

6. Stainless Steel Wallet
For: Your tightwad brother?
He's obsessed with counting every cent, and he doesn't even know about radio-frequency hacking. Encourage — and manage — his paranoia.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

7. Slanket
For: Yourself
Yeah, it's sooo 2008. Call me when you're cold and typing and wishing your blanket had sleeves.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

8. Digital Notepad
For: Your BFF who's getting married?
She can scribble notes about seating charts, her gown and flower arrangements and then email them to a batch of people, 9 out of 10 of whom will hit "delete."

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

9. Forest Faces
For: Your own lawn. Sure, they're horrifying — and thus, they keep the neighborhood kids living in fear, far from your property.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

10. Rock Lamp
For: Your sister who longs to be one with the earth and also smokes a lot of pot. The flame looks so cool when you're stoned.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

11. CoverTiques
For: Your coworker who's always showing waaaay too much cleavage. Just leave it on her chair, with a note from "Secret Santa."

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

12. Litter Robot
For: The crazy cat lady in your life; bonus if she's a sci-fi fan. Kitty's going into space!

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

13. Peanuts Nativity
For: The aging hippie in your life, who'll think it's funny that Woodstock is the baby Jesus.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

14. Head Spa Massager
For: Anyone you want to see looking like a fool.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

15. King Tut Lifesize Sarcophagus Cabinet
For: Your mummy. Obvs.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

16. The Inspirers Collection™ Portraits
For: Black people. Seriously, they should call this "stuff black people like." My Great Uncle Julius would move his Roots mural and hang these over his couch if he were still alive.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

17. Happy Feet
For: Your Jimmy Choo-obsessed friend. Dare her to wear them out of the house.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

18. Warm Whiskers Neck Wrap
For: Your nephew who wants to be Gunther Gable or either Siegfried or Roy when he grows up. Throw in something sequined; he'll thank you later.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

No presents here… It's just that sometimes, we post a Photoshop Of Horrors and someone will ask, "why don't they just use illustrations?" Here's your answer: Some companies do! The results are terrifying.

19 Crappy & Crazy Christmas Gifts From Sky MallS

Last, but not least:
19. No! No!
For: Honestly, I'm not sure who could benefit. But I do think it's interesting that the girly pink one costs $30 more than the manly red one.

Earlier: 8 Products From SkyMall You Can Use To Kill Someone
SkyMall: Shopping The Friendly Skies For Pointless Products
More SkyMall: The Mile-High Commerce Club