Silent night? Holy night? Not when you're shopping for ass trinkets and "secret" Santa crotchless panties! Fun stuff from the Frederick's Of Hollywood catalog, after the jump.

Fred is really fashion-forward this season, with metallics and retro-looking bra and panty sets. (We're ignoring that lace monstrosity inset, mmkay?

So much silver! Pretty classy, considering.

The color here is called "Moonbeam." Heh. Moon. We haven't even gotten to the ass-centric part yet.

This would be a good outfit to wash dishes or pay bills in. I mean, it's going to lift your spirits! And your tits.

Has it ever occurred to you that "babydoll" is kind of a weird word to use when talking about lingerie? Empire waists and fluttery, ruffled chemises are fun, but let's leave Lolita, Baby Spice, Caroll Baker and other thoughts of sexualization of children out of it.

Am I turning into a prude? The more see-through it is, the less I like it.

Wait! I think I can get behind that flirty half-slip on the far right. Heh. Get behind.

If you're going to be riding in a one-horse open sleigh, you're going to need a bit more coverage. Especially with H, the teddy on the bottom left. A person could get frostbite in places you really don't want frostbite.

Mean Girls flashbacks, anyone? I enjoyed KG and the Power of 3.

Dear Santa,
If someone brings me a maribou-nipple thingie with "Jingle Bell Crotchless Boy Shorts," I will be sad…

…And I don't want a bow on my business, either.
Love,
Me.

Re: That woman on the far left. You'd be laughing, too, if you had a Fraggle in your cleavage.

This panty supposedly has a "low back." But isn't it so much more than that? Seems like you could go to the doctor's office and get a Malaria shot without even taking your undies off.

Here we go: Butt bows, butt laces, butt butterflies.

And! Special for 2009! Limited Edition! Rhinestones! In your butt!

No, really: Right up in there. Ouch.

Still, I can't hate on this catalog, because they carry plus sizes, some of the bras are quite lovely, and the retro -ish stuff is actually pretty! And some bras come in sizes up to 42F.

Just stay away from the cheeky crack charms. You'd better watch out. You'd better not try.

Earlier: Frederick's Of Hollywood's Marketing Techniques Haven't Changed Much In 45 Years
Frederick's Of Hollywood Has A Heart-On For Valentine's Day
Frederick's Of Hollywood: Not As Slutty As You Might Think! (But Still Pretty Slutty)

Click here for all previous catalog posts.