It's been a while since we shared our worst emails with you, but that doesn't mean we haven't been getting them. After the jump, a sampling of requests, denunciations, and stories of masturbating celebrities.
Margaret thinks this one was inspired by this post.
Subject: Placing an Order
I would like to place an order for the stainless steel douche on your website. Please advise.
Yes, someone saw the phrase "stainless steel douche" and thought, "Where can I get mine?" But at least she was polite, unlike this lady, who had some beef with our Heather Graham post:
I can think of a number of more beautiful, more handsome, more talented, REAL American people in the United States who would be more than happy and willing to star in the opposing Healthcare reform commercial. Who cares that it's Heather Graham, who has played less than modest roles in every single movie she's starred in. She's not an A lister by any means in comparison, and she doesn't speak for the MAJORITY of Americans, nor does she represent us. Contrary to what liberal dems want everyone to believe, Conservatives are NOT against Healthcare reform. They're against SOCIALIZED medicine, SOCIALIZED anything.
What the people keep forgetting and need to continually ask themselves is this. If this "reformed healthcare" is such a fantastic idea...then why will it NOT apply to everyone? Everyone being our Senators, our Congressmen, President and their families. Hm? Can you or anyone who matters tell us that? No, they can't. Yeah, "it's SO great....but it's not for us...it's for you!" HELLO! WAKE UP!
In the end, none of this matters....we win in the end, period! And I have solace in that.
Probably if Heather Graham's "less than modest roles" bother you, you are visiting the wrong website. But at least this opponent of SOCIALIZED anything expresses her views clearly. Sometimes we can't even tell if an email constitutes a complaint, and if so, what that complaint is about. To whit:
Since you're an astute woman at the center of thought-provoking storms, most of them caused by men with too much testosterone, do YOU think the American Empire deserves to die—and if NOT, why not and if YES, Who or What would replace us?
MY solution to the world's problems: Forget Swine Flu innoculations. Just drop estrogen-laced candy and cigarettes on all the nations and pretty soon we'd all be arranging furniture and faux-finishing our walls rather than leveling foreign cities.
How does one "faux-finish" a wall anyway? Doesn't matter, since apparently we should really be faux-finishing our faces:
Subject: Don't Spook Anyone This Halloween With Your Wrinkles...
This Halloween, wrinkles can have your face looking scarier than a child's monster mask. While no miracle cream can dissolve your wrinkles in time for all of the upcoming parties – it is possible to hide those wrinkles with the right makeup and the right tips and tricks so you don't spook anyone this season. However, traditional mineral makeup falls into fine lines, making them look MORE pronounced. What to do? [...]
Here are Christopher's tips for achieving a flawless Halloween party ready look:
1. Prep face by washing and applying a serum all over the face
2. Apply a concealer wherever needed in small amounts
3. Lightly apply Veludo Velvet Foundation
4. Next, apply Finale Finishing Powder
5. Use eyeliner and mascara sparingly
6. Top the look off with lip gloss
Follow these steps and you will have a look that will leave people yelling "treat" instead of screaming "trick"!
If someone yelled "treat" at me, I would indeed be "spooked." But not as much as I was by this email:
Subject: Kevin Sorbo caught masterbatings
Actor Kevin Sorbo was sitting around complaining that he had no work to do. He was quietly pissed off that he was just being considered a Britney Spears Promoter. he was whining that noone liked him
Nobody ever fucking liked him. Every one thought he was masturbater. Everyone thought he was a wash up with a stupid fucking show that just about everybody made fun of. Now this is where Kevin Sorbo Messed the fuck up.
This particular missive goes on, accusing former Hercules star Kevin Sorbo of all kinds of lewd acts, my favorite of which is "talking to himself about the porn he has on his laptop." All the allegations seem baseless, and I'm not sure why the tipster thought we would care, but we just posted his email, so I guess mission accomplished! We win in the end, period!