"Future Emails From You Will Be Deleted Unread"

Sometimes we get an email we're compelled to run for the sheer fun of flouting intellectual property laws. Felicia met Dave, a fiftysomething professor and writer, on Nerve. Two days before they were supposed to meet, she rescheduled. (See, she had this friend, and the friend got suddenly hospitalized with pneumonia, and the friend happened to be sick with terminal lung cancer, soooo.) So anyway: he agreed, they made a date a few days later; he did that thing where he didn't show up and turned off his cell phone to avoid the confrontation; then he emailed to apologize, and so she suggested that maybe they could meet at a bar near her house, at which point he went kind of apeshit. Why so "weirdly specific"? he wanted to know. Did he honestly ever expect her to come to Brooklyn? Was she going to make it worth his while? Shouldn't SHE come to HIS neighborhood, seeing as it was her friend's terminal illness responsible for fucking up the whole dynamic in the first place? She did not think so, and told him as much, at which point...


Felicia,

Get off your repellent high horse.

You've misunderstood me in every way, and demonstrated that you have no sense of humor. I thought from the get that you might be something of a terrified control freak - no one has ever mentioned that to you before, have they? You wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't work together on a place or time and leapt to be the injured party.

Well, now you can savor that role.

Re-read my email with less defensiveness, if you can, and you'll see there is nothing aggreived in it. I wrote to say, as I had before, that I was sorry to have missed our meet, but that I had demonstrated heap plenty flexibility prior for your schedule, and that as you grumbled, that might be something to bear in mind if you felt put upon.

But clearly, you like feeling put upon or you would not have written me 1000 words in reply to a simple note.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're going through a hard time. I've taken note of that and honored it and you in numerous emails. Now you're going to harangue me with it again? Is the moral high ground so important to you?

As for the 'worth it' comment, that was A JOKE! and A joke based on your own words, which you wrote to me quote I'm not worth it you wrote.

I don't know fucking Flatbush! I don't know fucking Brooklyn. I just fucking moved here! You name some place and time where you might deign to fucking meet and then get high and mighty when I don't know where it is?

I wonder how all your cumulative attitudes would coalesce around a man who wrote to you dictating time and place...but given that you are utterly humorless and completely full of yourself and shit, I don't have to wonder.

Keep your luck to yourself...

Future emails from you will be deleted unread.

And THIS fucking email is MY copywrite material and is not to be reproduced, sent around, published or anything else.

David