When a reader sent in a picture of this tragic "sexy environmentalist" Halloween costume, I realized that the costume world had truly run out of slutty Halloween ideas. To remedy this, I came up with a few of my own.
The debate over "Slutoween" costumes comes about every year, and I'm sure this year will be no exception. My primary issue with "sexy" Halloween costumes is that often enough, they're really, really boring. It's always the same stuff, over and over; sexy cat, slutty mouse, french maid, etc. Sexy Cat is really the adult equivalent of cutting two holes out of a sheet and going as a ghost. It requires very little thought, very little skill, and very little effort.
If you must dress for "Slutoween," the least you could do is step it up a little. I mean, come on, people. It requires about 2.4 seconds to put on a short skirt and tape a piece of bread to the top of your head and go as "Sexy Toaster." Adam Sandler once presented a ton of cheap Halloween costume ideas on Saturday Night Live, using newspapers, protractors, and, well, his face to come up with unique alternatives to the standard costume fare. With that in mind, here are a few alternative "sexy" costume suggestions.
Sexy Bag Of Burnt Microwave Popcorn: Put on a bra and a pair of fishnet stockings, and then burn a bag of microwave popcorn and stand in the kitchen for 8-10 minutes so the smell begins to stick to your hair and skin. Bonus reality points if you wear this to the office and stand in the break room so the smell sickens your co-workers.
Sexy Bottom Of Purse LifeSaver: Is there anything sexier than a crusty old LifeSaver from the bottom of your purse? I think not. Just put on a bra and a pair of fishnet stockings and wrap a pool tube around your waist. Then spray yourself with two kinds of perfume and some mint air freshener, to get that bottom of purse fragrance going. It's probably best if you also sweep up some hair from your dog or cat and stick it on your face somewhere. Nobody will be able to stop your hotness. Bonus points if you coordinate your drinks with the type of LifeSaver you're supposed to be. Butter Rum, y'allll.
Sexy Person Who Always Says "It Is What It Is": Put on a bra and a pair of fishnet stockings and respond to everyone who speaks to you, no matter what they say, with "It is what it is." Don't worry about everyone hating you two hours into this performance. Stick with it! Become the Andy Kaufman of Slutty Halloween Costumes. When your friends tell you you've ruined Halloween forever, simply reply "It is what it is," and make sure that you look really sexy doing it.
Sexy Antarctica: Put on a bra and a pair of fishnet stockings, paste ice cube trays to your arms, stick stuffed penguins on your body and carry a boombox that plays only Britney Spears' "Hot As Ice." Make sure to carry water balloons to burst on the dance floor so you can scream, "Global warming is killing my sexy!" before you run out of the club, victorious. You will blow Miss "I carry a purse that's shaped like Earth, so I like, totally care or whatever" up there right out of the frozen water.
Feel free to add your own sexy suggestions in the comments!
Go Green Girl Costume [Wonder Costumes]