Worst Holiday Ever: National Pro-Life Cupcake Day

Hey kids, today is National Pro-Life Cupcake Day, a day to hand out yummy baked goods that "represent the 50,000,000 children who weren't allowed to be born, who never had a birthday."

The uninitiated may be uncertain about how to combine dessert with the denial of reproductive choice. Luckily, Cupcakes4Life.com has some instructions:

Bring in a tray of cupcakes for any group of people and you will find that they will flock to get them. As soon as they take a bite they will probably ask, "Who's birthday is it?"

Then you answer. "It's no ones birthday. These cupcakes represent the 50,000,000 children who weren't allowed to be born, who never had a birthday." The cake in their mouth will become dry and the moment will hopefully become quite somber. Then you say, "If you and I were aborted we wouldn't have a birthday party either."

Apparently celebrating Pro-Life Cupcake Day doesn't require knowing how to spell "whose," which is little unfortunate since it appears to be conceived as a holiday for children (though according to the site, college students can participate too) to celebrate in school. Even if that means breaking the rules. Here's a tidbit from the site's FAQ:

Q.) What if my school won't allow me to bring in cup cakes?

A1.) Give them out before or after school!
A2.) Do it anyway and be quick about it! Also be very apologetic and kind if you get caught.
A3.) Ask for permission to bring in pre-packaged cupcakes from a bakery!
A4.) Just pass out flyers and make cupcakes after school and hand them out to your neighbors in the name of life. Whatever you do, don't give up when confronted by opposition!
A5.) Just hand them out somewhere besides school.
A6.) Ask to set up a table at your local grocery store.

As A2 makes clear, forcing your views on other schoolchildren is much more important than following school regulations — even if, as the FAQ says later on, "you don't know why you are pro-life." If that's the case, go to Abort73.com, so the kind folks over there can tell you what you think. Did you know abortion is worse than 9/11? Abort73.com also has a pretty great example of circular reasoning, for kids just learning about logic:

[S]hould humans be recognized as persons under the law? Yes, because humans are persons. Something is a person if it has a personal nature. In other words, something is a person if, by nature, it has the capacity to develop the ability to think rationally, express emotion, make decisions, etc. This capacity is something that a person has as soon as he begins to exist, since it is part of his nature (in other words, if he exists, he has it). Since humans have a personal nature, humans are persons. As for the fetus, since it is a human (and so, something with a personal nature), it is a person.

It's also important not to screw up your "life-cakes", thus ruining the pro-life message. According to the FAQ, "decorating cupcakes is harder than it looks, if you're not good at it find someone who is." Is it a little odd that Cupcakes For Life seems to be targeting kids for its campaign, kids who not only may not have cogent views on abortion but who can't be trusted to decorate a cupcake? Sure it is, but that's not important when "one in three children will never celebrate their first birthday due to abortion." Makes it sound like adorable babies are being killed just before they blow the candles out, right? That's the idea.

And, for the faint of heart, it's important to remember that National Pro-Life Cupcake Day is mandatory:

Q.) Do I have to give out Pro-Life Cup cakes on National Pro-Life Cupcake day?

A.) YES, but you can make pro-life cup cakes any other day of the year as well! This is just one special day for cupcakes! Also the week of October 9th is National Pro-Life Cupcake week so anytime that week would be extra special!

Well guys, looks like there won't be a Name Game today — seems I have to give out some pro-life cupcakes. Any ideas for what I should put on them?

Cupcakes For Life [Official Site]
Abort73.com [Official Site]