What's Inside Sarah Palin's New Book?

Sarah Palin has finished her memoir early, and the 400-page Going Rogue (yes, that's the real title) will hit shelves Nov. 17. After the jump, we imagine what the index might look like.

According to Republican national committeewoman Christine Torretti, "There are those who are absolutely crazy about [Palin] - they say she's the Jennifer Aniston of the Republican Party. And then there are other people that say, ‘What's this all about? She's airing all of her family dirty laundry.'" But whether they love or hate her, Americans are eagerly anticipating Going Rogue, which she finished just four months after the deal was announced. Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins, has ordered a print run of 1.5 million copies. We're going to give Palin the benefit of the doubt and assume she finished so fast because, as Harper publisher Jonathan Burnham says, she was "investing herself deeply and passionately in this project" — and not just because she wanted to get her homework over with quickly so she could go out and play. Whatever the case, we can't resist speculating about the book content. Below, please find our version of Palin's index — just as real as her political credentials.

Alaska
.... bestness of, 1, 3, 11, 27, 62, 94, 112, 152, 176, 200
.... geographical remoteness of, as explanation for otherwise bizarre/irresponsible actions, 45, 67, 103
.... proximity to Russia, 59
Americans, fake
.... see Couric, Katie; Fey, Tina; Johnston, Levi; reporters
basketball as metaphor for leadership, 47, 48, 96, 132, 167
bears, grizzly,
.... what welfare mothers can learn from them, 117
.... see also, rejected mascots
children
.... as qualification for public office, 145
.... grooming for campaign appearances, 47, 134
.... public discussion of, 5, 27, 83, 111, 192
.... outrage at other people's public discussion of, 6, 28, 84, 112, 193
Couric, Katie
.... how many newspapers does she actually read, anyway, 137
.... lack of intelligence, journalistic integrity as compared to Greta Van Susteren, 43, 79
death panels, and other things my Facebook friends believe in even if the liberal media don't, 39, 46
Fey, Tina
.... inferior attractiveness of, 63
.... plan for getting own show where I make fun of her, 67
fish, dead
.... as rhetorical analogy, 159
.... see also rejected mascots
Johnston, Levi
.... body odor of, 17
.... drug-dealing, trailer-trash family of, 25, 164
.... this one time I saw him pick a booger and eat it, 28
maps
.... see newspapers
moose, dead
.... see rejected mascots
newspapers
.... see salmon, materials for wrapping
oil
.... attractiveness as an outfit for sea birds, 7
.... connection between reduced drilling and complete economic and political collapse of country, 192
.... potential use as baby formula, 66
Palin, Bristol
.... blissful happiness with motherhood, 134
.... role as abstinence spokesperson, 134
.... therapy bills for "cognitive dissonance" problems, 167
.... see also rejected mascots
pit bulls, lipsticked
.... emergency room visits, 12
.... see also, rejected mascots
quitting, underrated merits of, 97, 110, 199
rejected mascots, 197
reporters
.... hatred of babies, troops, real Americans, 97, 126, 183
.... versus grizzly bears in funny animation Todd made, 106
salmon
.... as topic for fluffy profiles by friendly representatives of real-American media outlets, 178
.... materials for wrapping, including New York Times and full text of health care reform legislation, 67
wolves
.... Ashley Judd's dangerous support of, 22
.... shooting from helicopters, 37
.... possible use as mascot, as long as dead, 198

You may notice that the Index only refers to pages above 200. That's because we're betting Sarah Palin decided to quit halfway through, reasoning that she would be a more effective writer working from outside her office. The second half of the book is probably a story of Christian redemption by collaborator Lynn Vincent — or just a bunch of photos of Palin snowmobiling.

Republican Base Still Wild About Sarah Palin [Politico]
Palin's Book, Going Rogue, Will Be Out by Thanksgiving [Newser]
Palin Finishes Memoir, 'Going Rogue,' Out Nov. 17 [AP]
Palin Finishes Memoir; 'Going Rogue' Set For Nov. 17 Release [AP, via Washington Post]