At some point during last night's TWO HOUR finale of the show formerly known as The Fatchelor, I yelled at the screen, "JUST GET IT OVER WITH!"
But they dragged that shit OUT. So. First Tali had a little chat with Luke's devout Christian grandma, who, upon hearing that Tali was from Israel, was like O RLY? But turned out to be cool, because she is cool like that. (Clip above.)
Then Tali had to endure conversation with Luke's dad, who wanted to talk about Jews and Christians and "conflict." All of his body language said, You mean to tell me my son is thinking of marrying a durn furriner and a JEW for cryin out loud? Dad: Let the kids be!
Luke's dog Max did not get enough screen time.
Next Luke's family met Malissa. You could almost see the relief in their faces: She's blonde, all-American, probably not Jewish, yay!
For Luke's dad, it was love at first sight.
When Luke's dad found out Malissa likes beer, he was all, WOW. Then he proclaimed that she had "Irish eyes," which I guess is a huge compliment? Or maybe she smiles with her eyes? Smeyes?
Next the ladies met Luke's mom, who is sharp as a tack and can smell bullshit a mile away. She talked to both ladies about why they would even be on a show called More To Love, and while Tali said it was because she wanted to prove something about big girls and size doesn't matter and so on, Malissa said "on a whim." Malissa also told Luke's mom that she wasn't a chubby kid growing up and had only recently gained weight.
Luke's mom's diagnosis: Tali = awesome. Malissa? Silence.
Later Luke went for his last dinner with Tali and they got a little boozy and so forth and she was like, "I love you. I love you so much. I wanted to wait, but I couldn't." Luke said, "I love you too."
They made out.
Then Luke went for his last dinner with Malissa, who was all, "If you ask me to marry you, yes, yes, a thousand times yes." Luke was like, "You're such an amazing woman, yadda yadda." Then she said: "I love you." And he said: "I love you too, Malissa." SCANDAL!
Next Luke went ring shopping, and because the producers wanted to fill two hours, he looked at TWO RINGS…
…And described TWO women to the sales clerk who was just excited to be on tee vee.
Finally, in one last ring ceremony, Luke said to Malissa — and I'm paraphrasing here — you're a great gal, but see ya.
He asked Tali: "Will you marry me?" She said "Yes." The moral of the story is that a 300 pound Christian dude can date a whole bunch of fatties and end up with a hot stacked Israeli Jew. The end.
Oh wait: Tali would like to shout-out "the big girls out there."
Stay tuned for More To Love Too: There's Enough Of Me To Go Around — Malissa's Journey or whatever crap Fox will almost definitely cook up next.