The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

The MTV Video Music Awards always bring out some spectacular trainwrecks, but 2009's, at Radio City, was a vagina-showcasing, skintight, navel-plunging, transparent house of horrors that either said something really optimistic about the economy or foretold the end of days.

The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Philosophically speaking: where did Lady Gaga have to go, besides Elizabethan Papagena in community production of Phantom?


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

So we gotta ask...


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Who wore it better?


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

If this is Jennifer Lopez's comeback, I'm confused about its direction.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

The sad thing? Beyonce's slash and burn is sweet and demure in this company.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Whatever people think about Kanye stealing her thunder, Taylor Swift had already scored a total triumph: continuing her reign as best-dressed star under 25.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Alexa Chung, per usual, does her gothic Lolita hipster shtick, and pulls it off.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

See, normally, you'd think, 'wow, Jade Cole looks like a preposterous 1991 hot mess.' But tonight? This was, like, the dress code.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Miranda Cosgrove demonstrates the finest in disco ball chic.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

And Alicia Keys shoes its manifold creative possibilities...


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Kristin Cavalleri, meanwhile, demonstrates the worst in disco ball chic.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Kristin may have The Hills, but this round goes to L.C.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Leighton Meester continues her case as a serious fashion player.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Stephanie Pratt's nightie doesn't seem that bad...and then you reach the shoes.
Apparently she's been walking through a Medieval marketplace?


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Tyson Ritter's the frontman of All-American Rejects. Which really makes this too easy.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Whitney Port, now a designer with her own tent show, has obviously gotten too big not just for her britches, but for her bustier-crinoline-Chicago-costume.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Cassie's...getup brings to mind the immortal words of Heidi Klum: "This looks like I sewed it. And I can't sew."


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

In the 19th century, Whitby, North Yorkshire, was known for its fine-quality jet carving.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Nikki Hilton: your dress offends me. It is ugly and, worse, it is boring. I think disappointing me is punishment enough.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Isn't Amber Rose's outfit elegant and beautiful?


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

In case you're not sure, here's a back view!


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Normally I don't love cape-backs, but Amerie's mini is starting to look really good right about now.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Keri Hilson should really overcome her inhibitions.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Rose Byrne totally wears this oversized floral - not easy, to which many a starlet can attest.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

Solange Knowles' scrollwork mini is one of the few actual fashion risks on this R.C.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

I'd look sullen too, if my boob was coated in industrial-strength epoxy and I knew in a few hours I had to rip it off.


The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For VaginaS

As Adrienne Bailon proves, two wrongs never, ever make a right.

The VMAs, In Which "V" Stood For Vagina

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