Remember when people would dance poorly or hop on one foot for a Klondike bar? Well those days are gone; now, they enter the Klondike Man Cave, where taking your 21-year-old babysitter to a sex shop is all the rage.
Poor ol' Khaki Pants Pete. He got married, moved to the suburbs, and suddenly lost his manhood. He's also the poor man's Vince Vaughn from Old School, six years after the "old bro" concept was considered hilarious. Bummer!
The object of the game is to get Pete away from his stupid children and naggy wife so he can have some adventures, brah. Nobody can take his manhood away from him! He shall regain it through cliches and Klondike bars, as everyone knows that eating a slab of vanilla ice cream is what testosterone is all about.
D'oh! Look what happens when Pete tries to rock out in his basement: his wife, Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond bitches at him for being too loud. And then she wants to "talk." Chicks, man! Someone get me some foil-wrapped ice cream, bro! I can't even deal!
Ok, here's where things start to get weird. We enter the living room, where we eventually meet Crissy, the 21-year-old babysitter, who doesn't seem to be doing her job. Khaki Pants Pete has several options here: should he talk to her? Let's find out.
Let's not forget to mention that it's the TV he paid for. I mean, you know? Poor Pete. His life is so shitty that he even has to spend money on his own wife and children.
Lifetime movie alert! Things are about to get creepy....or are they?!
Yep, they are. Pete agrees to hang out with "sane, innocent" Crissy, watching some tv show that his dumb wife (what a bitch!) loves.
"Wow, Mr. P, I'm Keri Russell in The Babysitter's Seduction!." Oh, and also? The "P" stands for "Pounder." Pete the Pounder. I'm not making this up.
Oh! I almost forgot: should you avoid watching TV with Crissy, and opt to tell her to go do her job, you lose the game. Why? See the next screen.
Feminism, that's why! Waaah-wahhhhh.
Pete is then summoned by his friend "Party Marty," to attend "Jimbo's" stag. Related: Pete's friends are douchebags.
But you have to drop the hot babysitter off at the sorority house first! What kind of hijinks could possibly ensue?
Pete then decides to stop at the sex shop before dropping the babysitter off. "Good call!" the game declares. You guys, I was torn between saying, "What the fuck" and laughing at this point. What the hell is going on here? What does this have to do with Klondike bars?
You then have two options: leave Crissy outside, or take her into the shop. If you leave her outside, you are congratulated, as poor, "impressionable" 21-year-old adult Chrissy can't handle sexy things.
However, after being spotted by a nosy neighbor, you opt to take Crissy in with you before rumors start swirling. I honestly never thought the question "What would you dooooo for a Klondike bar" would be answered by "I would take my 21-year-old babysitter to Skinema Paradiso on my way to Jimbo's bachelor party," but, welcome to 2009 I guess.
In any case, you end up taking Crissy to her sorority house. But then you learn that you need a girl to come to the club with you! So you try to convince your babysitter to hit up the bachelor party with you. And there's pudding wrestling, which is dumb, because this is viral marketing for ice cream. DESSERT REFERENCE FAIL.
And then, after outsmarting some dude named Rocco, Crissy, once again impressed by a creepy dad she works for, takes you up to her room.
Blah, blah,blah, you outsmart the sorority house mother and end up taking Crissy to the club. Here it is! I will now forever associate Klondike bars with Axe Body Spray. I think Jon Gosselin is in this crowd somewhere, as well.
Of course, you win the puddin' match. Take those bitches down, bro! High-fives and ice cream treats all around.
You then get a text from your nag of a wife. She's sorry she was so bitchy, and she'll make it up to you by "doing that thing" she said she'd never do. You finally have a reason to go back to your stupid, boring, worthless life, Pete. Women are nags and idiots, but they've promised you sex, so hooray!
Finally, you make it back home, where your wife has put on a hot dress and smeared her face in Klondike bar. You're a real winner, Pete. Congrats. Quite the brand ambassador. I'm still not sure what any of this has to do with ice cream, but I guess that's because I'm a naggy impressionable feminist. As for entering the Klondike Man Cave again, I'm not sure I can. As Meatloaf once sang, sort of, "I would do anything for a Klondike bar, but I won't do that. Ever. You jackass."
Play The Adventures Of Khaki Pants Pete [KlondikeManCave]