Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we discover that John Mayer not only plays guitar but both Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. More revelations from In Touch, Star, Ok!, Life & Style and Us, after the jump.

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's "Desperate Hookup"; Kardashian Tweens Gone Wild

Ok!
"Rob Risks It All For Kristen"
Even though the cover talks about an "engagement" and the "future of Twilight" being in jeopardy, the story inside is about how fans would upset IF Rob and Kristen actually got married. Producers are asking Rob and Kristen to keep their relationship under wraps so that Kristen's romance with Taylor the Buff Werewolf is more believable. A source says that Rob is so in love with Kristen he's completely absorbed with her and it's a miracle he can even remember his lines and so on and so forth. Moving on: Farrah Fawcett's college sweetheart Gregg Lott says that they reunited in 1997 after she broke up with Ryan O'Neal, but kept it quiet so as not to upset Redmond. Still, they corresponded the whole time, and Lott has proof: Love letters, printed in the mag! Lastly: Lindsay Lohan's lips are certainly plump! A cosmetic surgeon who does not treat her thinks she is having Restylane injections. A source says she's had the maximum number of treatments permitted — over eight different sessions — and she wants more. (See image 6)
Grade: F (Fen-phen)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's "Desperate Hookup"; Kardashian Tweens Gone Wild

Us
"Sex And The City Secrets"
Charlotte has two kids! Miranda has to confront her workaholism! Samantha has to deal with downsizing her spending after some bad investments! Plus: Things are complicated with Smith Jerrod! Big maybe moves to London and maybe cheats on Carrie and she maybe leaves him and maybe finds out that she is pregnant! Next: Insiders say that Angelina and Brad have been trying to get pregnant for two months. Rihanna's dad saw a picture of her topless in Italian Vogue and said the photo was "disturbing." Of Chris Brown on Larry King, her dad said: "The costume he wore was so funny. That bow tie thing? He needs to bury that."
Grade: D- (ephedra)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's "Desperate Hookup"; Kardashian Tweens Gone Wild

Life & Style
"Get Thin Fast"
This story is a giant ad for QuickTrim, a diet supplement found at GNC. Khloe and Kim Kardashian, who pose with a measuring tape wrapped around their bellies, will appear in ads for the pill. Moving on: "Stabbed In The Heart" is the title of the Jessica Simpson story, but she was not actually stabbed, people. Tony Romo is dating Candice Crawford, the Gossip Girl guy's sister. Here, you'll find a whole bunch of stuff about how unlucky in love Jessica is. A "friend" of Jess's says: "Does it add insult to injury that this girl is younger and slimmer? Sure." Next, more secrets from Sex And The City 2 : There will be a gay wedding between Stanford and Anthony Marentino! Liza Minnelli will be there! Carrie will have '80s flashback scenes! Samantha copes with menopause! A trip to Morocco! Miranda gets a new job! And, even though SJP had her mole removed, Carrie still has hers, through the magic of makeup. Next: Scheana Marie Jancan claims she had a three-year affair with Eddie Cibrian, and when he started up with LeAnn Rimes, he just stopped calling Scheana. She says: "Eddie's with LeAnn now, but it's just a fling. Eddie cheated on Brandi, he cheated on me, he's going to do it again." Pete Wentz is fighting to save his marriage to Ashlee Simpson: She's been getting "too drunk" in public and she's smoking a lot and "thinner than ever." An "insider" says: "She's so thin, she's lost her boobs. She's just an A cup now." Poor thing, no reason to live! There are a few pix here from Michael Jackson's funeral on September 3 — his kids put a crown on his coffin and guest had to wait for an hour for the ceremony to start, because Katherine Jackson was too emotional to get ready. Jon Gosselin has lost 15 lbs. by cutting out fried foods and soft drinks. Unsolicited uterus update: "My uterus is really flattered that everyone cares, but sorry, no occupants." — Anna Paquin. Jennifer Aniston was spotted wearing a gold Rolex that John Mayer gave her, so it's totally secret signal! Plus they have been talking and texting. "Robert: I Want To Disappear" is about how Mr. Pattinson used to be a nice guy but has become "moody and withdrawn" because being chased by Twihards is a rough way to live. "Even at the most remote places I can imagine, someone will ask me for a picture with them or an autograph. I haven't found one place in the world yet where I can disappear," he says. Lastly: "Melrose Place: Then And Now" is a plastic surgery wonderland! Dr. Rey thinks Daphne Zuniga needs Botox, fillers, an endoscopic brow lift, a mid-face lift and a lower eye lift. I like Heather Locklear's old nose. (See image 7)
Grade: D- (QuickTrim)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's "Desperate Hookup"; Kardashian Tweens Gone Wild

Star
"Kardashians At War"
Kim is jealous of her sisters because Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami is a success. "Kim thinks she's worked hard to get where she is, and that her sisters are just riding her coattails," a source spills. But, um, didn't she make a sex tape to get where she is? And she's a producer on that show. Does not compute. Anyway: Kim hogs all the swag designers send to their parents' house and her sisters think she acts like a diva and call her Queen Bee behind her back. Also, Kim thinks she's the first one who should have become a mother so she's upset about Kourtney's pregnancy. Kourtney is being a "momzilla" and asking Kim to ask Vicky Beckham Christina Aguilera to her baby shower, but Kim is like, I don't even know those people. Meanwhile, Kendall is 13 and wants to be a star like her sisters. She wants to be a model, so she wears crop tops and short-shorts around town in the hopes of being photographed. The other kid, Kylie, is 12, and she wants to be an actress, but was seen pole dancing. (See image 8 — and check out the Jezebel scans. We're famous!) Moving along: Blind item! "Which party-girl turned entrepreneur never leaves home without her stash? She checked a few tote bags with a bell hop, who later found they were filled with cocaine." Next: Ellen Pompeo's husband Chris Ivery cheated on her (while she was pregnant) with a hostess named Rachel from a restaurant in Boston. Rachel tells the mag: "I didn't mean to hurt Ellen, it just seemed like fun at the time." Angelina Jolie has a secret diary! "Behind closed doors, she's paranoid, jealous and erratic — and she admits it all in her personal diary." Apparently she thinks Brad is cheating on her because he travels so much, she hates that he goes boar-hunting with the locals and she even complains that Brad doesn't put the soap back in the shower the right way. Next: Nicole Richie wants to get married. Now. She's freaked out by DJ AM's death and realizes that life is fragile and short. Ben Affleck has been flirting with Blake Lively on the set of their movie The Town. They went out to eat after filming a sex scene and people on the set say he's acting like a lovesick teenager. He complains that Jennifer Garner is in "mom mode" and isn't the "sexy fun girl" he married.
Grade: D (Hydroxycut)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's "Desperate Hookup"; Kardashian Tweens Gone Wild

In Touch
"Desperate Hookup"
"In a state of desperation and loneliness" Jessica Simpson has been hooking up with her ex, John Mayer. John "swooped in" after hearing about her breakup and previewed his album for her, which is all about relationships. A "pal" says, "It wasn't hard for John to close the deal after that." Next: LeAnn Rimes met with a real estate agent to find a new house. A real estate agent who did not work with LeAnn says: "They're called second marriage homes, they're for people who want homes that don't remind them of where they lived with their previous spouses." The story called "Hailey Dumps An Unfaithful Jon" is about how Hailey Glassman broke up with Jon Gosselin after his debaucherous trip to Las Vegas — apparently there were pictures of girls in bikinis and text messages from girls he was partying with on his phone, and she saw them. Brad Pitt — who produced the Time Traveler's Wife — invited Rachel McAdams and Eric Bana to Chateau Miraval but then Angelina Jolie freaked out and made Brad say he had food poisoning so they wouldn't come. Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have been Tweeting about how much they love each other and making out in public ever since last week's Star cover story about their loveless marriage. Jennifer Garner is "anything but fat" but can't seem to lose the last remaining pounds she gained when she was pregnant. Now she's worried Ben Affleck will return to his "Playboy ways," especially since he has a lithe younger costar, Blake Lively.
Grade: D+ (placebo)

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's "Desperate Hookup"; Kardashian Tweens Gone Wild

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's "Desperate Hookup"; Kardashian Tweens Gone Wild

This Week In Tabloids: Jessica's "Desperate Hookup"; Kardashian Tweens Gone Wild