Candace Bushnell owes me six minutes and fifty-four seconds of my life back, because that is how much time I wasted on the Sex and the City writer's dismal new "webisode" effort The Broadroom.

I say this as a person who is very familiar with Bushnell's work. I read Four Blondes. I read Trading Up. I read Lipstick Jungle. I watched Sex and the City and tuned in for both Lipstick Jungle and Cashmere Mafia because I wanted to see who had the better touch, Bushnell or Star.

So I say, with complete confidence, that no one knows how to run an idea into the ground like Candace Bushnell. And as I watched this new venture/product placement/Frito-Lay commercial I felt myself wanting to bash my head against the wall. This? Really? The Broadroom follows five professional women and is supposed to provide insight into their lives by using quick segments and cute conversations that take place in a work setting. There are four total webisodes in all, but is it worth watching?

I don't think so.

Nine Things I Hate About The Broadroom:

  • Why is Natasha putting fear of wearing a name tag on par with global warming? Everything else I could understand...but name tags? Seriously?
  • How are we going to follow rote stereotypes about women when creating these characters, only to have said characters bitch about being a type?
  • The Millennial is an idiot. "I spent all morning making these super cute placecards on my computer." The placecards combine a large font with clip art.
  • "In a weird way, I don't know what my actual job is, but I love it." Please tell me this character does not confess to feeling like "Alice in Imposterland" in the October 9th episode. Word of advice: if you don't know what your job is, don't be surprised when you feel like you're faking it.
  • Dialogue fail. Product placement fail. The scene below is a case in point:

    "When did they start naming lipsticks after food?"
    "Probably when food got more interesting than sex."

    I sent this to Anna, who promptly informed me:

    Re: 'naming lipsticks after food': one of the most popular lipsticks in the 80s was a Revlon shade called "Cherries in the Snow". These people are two decades, if not more, too late.

    Answer fail. But thanks for playing.

    Speaking of that clip...

  • ...can we retire the "Where are all the men?" monologue? There's one in every show and every book! Can we at least upgrade it a little? Attack a random man on the street and hit him with a barrage of questions? That would be interesting viewing. For example:

    SCENE: ROAN and NATASHA approach a random man on the street as he pauses to grab a newspaper. NATASHA grabs him and slams him against a brick wall while ROAN brandishes her Caramel Kisses lipstick as a weapon.

    ROAN: (yelling) Where the hell are all the men?

    MAN: What? Who? I swear, I don't what you're talking about!

    ROAN: (making wild gestures with the lipstick) Where is my future husband? Where are all of you hiding?

    NATASHA: (hiking the man up by his collar) And why is my husband sending me cat pictures, huh? What is THAT supposed to mean? Did he stop looking for a job? Is he telling me it's time for a divorce because all we can talk about is cats? (grabs man by the face) Answer me, dammit!

    ROAN: Do what she says or else we're lipsticking your collar and calling your wife!

    Okay...maybe that's a bit unrealistic. But it would still be a vast improvement over the current dialogue.

  • I hate that fucking jingle! It's prompting some kind of Pavlovian rage response.
  • Does anyone really try to butt in airport lines anymore without an immediate "bish plz" from all the rest of us? And who would start a tug of war with the TSA people? They already seem pissed off enough and I can make the call when I get to the lounge area.
  • A personal mantra is "When you're having a bad day, lower your standards?" Turn it off, turn it off!

This is grim. If the Boardroom really is reflective of what's on women's minds, I'm starting to wonder if we are all in danger of a lobotomy.

The Broadroom [Maybelline]

Earlier: "Only In a Woman's World" Are There So Many Dieting Stereotypes