Upon viewing the extremely heinous shots of Jon Gosselin hosting a pool party at a Vegas hotel this weekend, Sterling Cooper's Creative Director, Mr. Donald Draper, wrote in to share his thoughts on the matter.
Dear Mr. Gosselin-
I'd like to skip the formalities and call you Jon, if you don't mind. It's a good name, Jon. A solid name. The kind of name that parents continue giving their children, year after year after year, decade after decade, even though the world is changing and falling apart all around them. Jon. It's the kind of name that lasts. Do you know why that is, Jon? It's because it's simple. It's humble. It's tangible and true. If you're a Jon, you're one of many. For some people, that's enough. But for others, the need to stand out is too great, and the Jons and Dons of the world, guys like you and I, have to push through to transcend the ordinary qualities of our monikers. You see, Jon, your name isn't just your name. It's your calling card. It's who you are. It's your brand. And you, Jon, are trashing the brand.
I know what it's like to have kids. Sure, I don't have eight, and my wife and I, though we have our problems, are still together, but I know those pressures, Jon. I know what it's like to worry about feeding them and clothing them and giving them all of the things I never had. And sometimes the pressures, of work, of life, of family, these things get to be too much, and maybe I make my mistakes in trying to ease these pressures, but I make mistakes like a man, Jon. Discreet. In fine hotels. Not parked at the edge of a booze-soaked pool in Vegas with my chest hair popping out of my shirt for all the world to see. What are your kids supposed to think when they see you dancing around with bikini-clad girls half their mother's age? What is America supposed to think? Your image is all you are, Jon, and right now, all you are is embarrassing.
My advice to you is this: get out of the pool. Button up your shirt. Put down the sleazy sunglasses and look in the mirror: you're a 32 year old father of eight, not a college freshman on Spring Break. If there's one thing I've learned in the advertising business, it's that even the glossiest packaging can't sell what is fundamentally a bad product. It's time for you to head in another creative direction. If you're looking for someone to get you back on track, you know who to call.
Jon Gosselin: Pool Party Success! [Just Jared]
[Jon Gosselin pic via JustJared.]