Welcome, dear friends, to your Jezebel Horoscope for September, 2009. I've enlisted the help of completely phony and unreliable astrologist, Eloise McBean, to help us look to the stars to determine just what lies ahead of us this September.
Aries (March 21-April 19): Once upon a mid-Tuesday dreary, I came across a cat, wandering in the woods. "Cat," I said, "you do not belong here!" I said this, of course, because the cat was wearing a nametag that read "Sprinkles, 18 Parmesan Road," and Parmesan Road is approximately five miles from the woods. Quite a ways from home, this animal was! "Get back to your home," I demanded, and the cat obliged. Well, I think he did. He ran away, anyway. This is you, Aries. You need to get back to your home. You've gone off the rails a bit! You are Sprinkles in the woods. But do not fear! Your headstrong nature will help you find the right path. Famous Aries: Claire Danes (April 12)
Celebrity Who Will Annoy You This Month: Jon Gosselin.
Animal You Will See In Your Neighborhood This Month: Dog, possibly cat!
Word You Will Use In A Sentence This Month: The
Vehicle You Will See On The Highway This Month: Car
Television Show You Will Hear About This Month: Project Runway
Article Of Clothing You Will Wear This Month: Shirt
Person You Will See In The Mirror This Month: Yourself
Sound You Will Hear This Month: Wind
Liquid You Will Come In Contact With This Month: Water
Item You Will Wear On Your Feet This Month: Shoes
Bodily Function You Will Take Part In This Month: Sleep
Machine You Will Use This Month: Computer