PW's Alison Morris drew our attention to this amazing "Are You Ready for Marriage?" quiz from a 1970 Girls' Romances. It's actually pretty reasonable, for a life-decision quiz in a comic mag. The bad news: I didn't "qualify for marriage."
1. If he can't support you, do you earn enough to live comfortably without either family's help?
- Define "comfortably." Also, define "help," "family," and "enough."
2. Is there enough money in the bank — in his account, yours, a joint bank account - to meet any emergency? If not, how long will it be before enough funds are available?
-Define "emergency." Ok, then: Late middle age, if there's no inflation. With inflation, never.
3. With rentals on the increase, can you afford quarters that you are accustomed to?
-YES! (Granted, I'm accustomed to roaches, mice, and no AC, but really who isn't these days?)
4. Have either of you a source from which to borrow money should the need arrive?
-Does the bank count? Cause if so, I'm giving that a YES.
5. Rather than estimate roughly how much your joint expenses will be, have you written down, as precisely as possible, where and how your income will be spent, including not only food, clothing and shelter, but such nitty-gritty details as your facial makeup, stockings, accessories, his shaving cream and blades, laundry, toothpaste, and all the other essentials?
- BO-RING! Does writing "a lot" down count? (In good news, my stocking budget is an affordable $0.)
6. Are you sacrificing anything for marriage - school, a career, giving up certain friends?
- NO. See #1. Wait, is this supposed to be a YES?
7. Have you given up certain things because he dislikes them, and has he done the same?
I think "sleeping with other people" qualifies, yes?
8. Have you ever done something together like working to complete a chore at work or school, shoveled snow or mowed the lawn, painted a room, or combined your monies to buy something?
-Heck, YES! We combined monies for a Rolo only yesterday! And haven't they been following? We don't have a lawn.
9. Do you associate with married friends your own ages?
-A couple of our friends are thinking about getting married before she has the baby. Sometimes we see them for drinks - okay, not that much since she got pregnant, I guess. But only because she hasn't been answering our emails. Whatever, her mom's in town, I know that's stressful. She's got a few years on us, but we're talking ballpark, right?
10. Do you argue often over trifling matters? And do either of you insist on being right?
-Okay, so yesterday he refused to pet a dog because he bites his nails compulsively, and this kind of became a thing because I was like, is it worth offending my parent's neighbor because you're so neurotic and infantile? Why don't you just wear a Hazmat suit, Howard Hughes?
11. Do you love him less after a scrap, or do you continue to love him just as much?
-Well, he agreed on the dog thing, so we're good.
12. Do you give up your friends that he dislikes?
-Um, just because I used to date someone and almost married him before you, doesn't mean he isn't awesome!
13. Even if it hurts him, and puts you in a bad light, can you tell him the truth?
-About what? No, really, what is this getting at? That that one friend of his is super-creepy and really skeeved me out when I ran into him on the street and he started talking about socks? Cause we handled that.
14. Do you consult your mother, an older sister, or a friend when you have a problem?
-Well, that's kinda what we pay a shrink for. Where do you think the stocking budget's going?
15. Can you make a decision and hold to it in spite of criticism of older people?
-You mean that bum on the corner who insulted my new shoes? It hurt, but I'm still wearing them - sometimes.
16. Can you defy your mother's and/or father's wishes and stick to it, whether it's an important or trifling matter?
-Hell, given her druthers, my mom would take me off meds! So, yeah. But look, she hates the big glasses so much, sometimes it's just not worth it for one dinner. Isn't compromise adult, too?
17. Are you uncomfortable being alone at night if he has to go out of town on business or goes bowling with the boys or must train for two weeks during the summer with his military or naval service unit?
-Truthfully, I might be a little uncomfortable to learn he'd been doing secret naval training behind my back. Or bowling. Or a business trip, for that matter - but only because he's unemployed.
18. Do you insist that he telephone you while he's away?
-What? No. Everyone knows I don't answer my phone!
19. Do you prefer to spend the evening with him at home, alone, or in the company of friends?
-Well, look, we don't have air conditioning, so that kind of effects these decisions in August. And whether we're talking about the creepy friend with the socks.
20. Can you ignore your own bad mood to pull him out of his?
-If by "ignore" you mean "treat with pudding," then, YES.
21. Can you prepare all of his favorite dishes?
-Well, I'm sure I could prepare that hippy-dippy brown rice-tofu thing he's so into, but that doesn't mean I will. So, YES?
22. Do you retain leftovers from your meals, know how to prepare them attractively?
-Well, I take a relativist's approach to "attractiveness."
23. Can you sew his socks, iron his shirts, press his trousers, mind ferrying his clothes back and forth from the tailor and laundry, his shoes from the cobbler?
-If I got to take an actual "ferry," I would do this. So I'm giving myself a YES.
24. Have you ever decorated and furnished a room?
-Funny you should ask: I just bought the freakiest antique doll, which I placed under a jar on the mantelpiece. Wow, I'm on a roll!
25. Do you insist that he adhere to your tastes, styles, and colors?
-Yes. Moving on. Purple is for wizards and Lisa Frank.
26. Are you efficient in housekeeping - sweeping, dusting, polishing, washing windows, even to such details as cleaning the blinds and tidying the closet?
-If by "efficient", do they mean, it doesn't take up a disproportionate amount of my time? Cause if so, that's a YES.
27. Are you willing to get up every morning to prepare his breakfast and see him off to work as well as taking care of yourself before going to business or school?
-"Going to business" in the next room really facilitates this. And I mean, he's welcome to some of the coffee.
28. Has he ever seen you when you're aware that you don't look your best - your face smeared with facial cream, hair in curlers or bundled up in a bandanna, or showing the effects of a bad cold, or made dirty from housecleaning?
-Well, of course not.
29. Have you ever seen him when he's not at his best - in need of a shave, a haircut, unpressed apparel, showing the effects of a cold, wearing old clothes to putter around the house?
-You know, I really prefer to avoid people who show "the effects of a cold." It sounds like said people really need a tissue.
30. Have you considered that you will be married to this man, that you will spend the rest of your life with him until death do you part?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we get back to the china pattern now, please?