The September issue of Cosmopolitan seems to have been guest-edited by Captain Obvious, it's so packed with stale, basic tips we learned in fifth grade health class.

Did you know that breakfast is good for you, but eating fast food every day isn't? Or that a varied sex life can help keep a relationship healthy? Maybe they didn't teach us this in fifth grade, but do we really need Cosmo for "dirty sex" tips like "have fantasies" or "use a blindfold?" Or to remind us of the lame old saw that if we want to pique a guy's interest, we should stop calling for a few days (in a serious overstatement, Cosmo calls this a "risky move")? Actually, the only thing surprising in this month's Cosmo is the suggestion that you tie a necktie around your man's penis — or "lightly dust" his balls with a makeup brush. Just add some glasses on top, and you have a face!

Send an email to Anna North, the author of this post, at annanorth@jezebel.com.