Look out, ladies, because Men's Health has compiled 41 Ways To Make A Woman Swoon, a list of stupid romantic moves to melt your heart. Get your smelling salts ready, because I feel a case of the vapors coming on!
As is typically the case when it comes to dumb Men's Health lists, this particular article was written by a woman. I'm guessing that this is all part of a magazine exchange program that allows the douchiest men on earth to give their love advice in magazines like Cosmopolitan: "You send over your most stereotypical bullshit, and we'll send over ours!" It's a match made in generalization heaven. Let's take a look at a few of the romantic "moves" recommended to sweep a gal off her feet:
6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.
Oh goodness yes! Because she needs to be protected from those skanky Death Eaters who will surely ruin your relationship with a sassy glance or lack of pants!
16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.
Oh, this isn't creepy at all. I know when I fall asleep, I love waking up without my clothes on, in bed, not knowing how I got there. Does this move come with a roofie nightcap, or are we saving that romance for Valentine's Day?
28. Give her jewelry.
Buy her shit! She'll be yours in no time. Women are so easy, bro!
26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.
Yes, suffocate her with the hug of judgment. That will teach her to get jealous.
40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.
Please don't do this. Not every woman just stepped out of She's All That. Please keep your Cinderella fantasies to yourself. You're only going to embarrass yourself, and us, if you pull this "look at what an obvious romantic gentleman" showmanship in front of your friends.
32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.
That'll shut her up! What could she possibly have to say about health care reform? Just tell her you love her mid-sentence and make her swooooooon.
5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.
You know, to let them know that you own her now.
7. Call her when you're feeling sad.
Mmm, nothing says "romance" like a 45 minute conversation with your crying boyfriend. Unless you mean "swoon" as in "pass out with intolerable sadness," I think we can leave this one off of the romance checklist.
19. When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.
Because as long as she's good enough for a man, it doesn't matter if she's good enough for herself. Someone should base a magazine around this concept! Oh, wait.
41 Ways To Make A Woman Swoon [Men's Health]