How To Talk Like Laura Bush & Sarah PalinS

Watching the banality with which Laura Bush recently voiced her support for Sarah Palin inspired our rhetorical analysts to take a break from annotating and help readers translate ordinary English into the language of Laura — and other prominent Repubs.

Of Palin, Laura Bush said,

Well I think that's just something she needed to determine and she did. And, you know, everyone has to respect the decision she made. She, like a whole lot of people, other people that get into politics, find out it's a great big world when you get in the politics and, um, I wish her the very best.

You too can achieve such blandness, and many other fun speech effects, with the many Republican translators below.

Laura Bush

In order to talk like the FFLOTUS (which in Welsh means, "a breakfast dish made with cod"), simply replace every concrete noun with an abstract noun. Then, replace every adjective with something positive, yet vague. Here's an example:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Laura: The terrific wonderful thing jumps over the great idea.

For extra verisimilitude, deliver all statements with a glazed-over, faraway expression, as though staring at a point three feet behind your interlocutor's head.

Sarah Palin

The Sarah Palin translator is a little more complicated. First, add to each sentence a metaphor or simile that is entirely unrelated to the topic at hand. Next, add at least two superfluous prepositions or helping verbs. Finally, include a mention of an Alaskan animal. And obviously drop all the g's. Observe:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Palin: The quick old salmon is doin some jumpin over that lazy grizzly bear over there, like a point guard stealin a snowmachine from a Cheechako.

Lindsey Graham

In Grahamese, all sentences begin with a disingenuous expression of support, and end with a condescending question. To whit:

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Graham: Now I like you, you hear, but I have to tell you that the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog, do you understand that?

Ann Coulter

Leave everything the same, but add something horrifically offensive as a parenthetical aside.

English: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Coulter: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog (who is stealing from hard-working American dogs, and deserves to be put down).

Finally, in the manner of "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," we'd like to translate Laura Bush into Sarah Palin and then back to Laura again.

Laura Bush: Well I think that's just something she needed to determine and she did. And, you know, everyone has to respect the decision she made. She, like a whole lot of people, other people that get into politics, find out it's a great big world when you get in the politics and, um, I wish her the very best.

Sarah Palin: Well I've been thinkin that's just somethin she's going to be needin to determine, like a majestic moose bleedin to death in the Alaskan sunrise. And, you know, every grizzly bear out there has to be respectin that decision she was makin, because that's what separates the glaciers from the pitbulls. She, like a whole lot of other people in this great country of ours, other people that have been gettin into politics, find out its a a great big hockey rink when you get in the politics, and, ya know, only the dead fish makes the basket.

Laura Bush: Terrific.

FFLOTUS Defends Palin [The Page]
Laura Bush Talks About Sarah Palin on Fox News [The Page]
Laura Bush, Part 2 [Fox News]
Laura Bush Gives Michelle Obama A Thumbs-up [Houston Chronicle]