Rachel Zoe Is On Your Internet, Talking About Her "Sole Fantasies"S

Rachel Zoe, the woman who would spend $50,000 a season on clothes if she weren't a stylist who gets shit for free, is back. With more shopping tips for our edification! Unsurprisingly, Zoe wants us to buy $680 shoes.

For her first foray into Gwyneth-style celebrity direct marketing, the stylist has footwear on the brain. But, lest ye think that these are but ordinary platform pumps, let it be said first and foremost that these platform pumps are made by her friend, Brian Atwood. That kind of typical favor-calling, back-scratching, co-hyping symbiosis is exactly what can make this industry seem like one enormous daisy chain. (Or circle jerk.) To her credit, at least Zoe is upfront about blending her personal and professional relationships.

Rachel Zoe Is On Your Internet, Talking About Her "Sole Fantasies"


The $680 Brian Atwood Lola pump, also known as "my sole fantasy" in Zoespeak, available this fall

Zoe's missive begins seriously:

"In observance of my first official Zoe Report, I set my sights on something truly extraordinary."

Did you hear that? These aren't just any regular platform shoes with elastic laces, these are some extraordinary platform shoes! Zoe goes on to say, "Atwood consistently brings my sole fantasies to life," and calls the opportunities presented by the shoe "endless." And in case you fashion plebs don't know what the celeb stylist is driving at when she calls these magic pumps "shooties," the definition is in the footnotes.

Rachel Zoe Is On Your Internet, Talking About Her "Sole Fantasies"S

In a nod to the fact that the mass audience she's seeking with this newsletter might have neither the funds nor the inclination to spend $700 on even the most "extraordinary" pair of heels, Zoe includes a fast fashion option — though still a pricey one, at $129.95.

In honor of our increasingly celebrity-addled consumer culture — unsatisfied by appearing in ad campaigns, on television hawking stuff, on television wearing clothes that just happen to be catalogued for sale on said television channels' websites, on billboards, in the mall with their signature lines, in magazine editorials, and generally taking jobs from hard-working Eastern European teenagers, they are now in our computers telling us what to buy — let us now inaugurate a new feature, The Zoe Report, By The Numbers:

"I DIE" count: 1
Footnotes of complicated fashion terms: 1
Total cost of shit: $809.95
Running cost of shit: $809.95
Microsoft Word Flesch-Kincaid grade level: 9.7
Transparent-self-promotion/life-as-branding quotient*: 7/10

Happy shopping, ladies. In the meantime, here's the trailer for the premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project"s second season. It just happened to come out today!

*Grading may be subjective