I once had a friend who would tell it like it is; if your ensemble was less than stylish, she'd say, "Girl, your ass looks wack." It wasn't about your derrière; it was about your duds.

Because wack is stoopid, ridiculous and avoidable. Yet wack is persistent. I heard my friend's voice in my mind while paging through a recent Urban Outfitters catalog.

Does this make my ass look wack? Well, you've fallen prey to the Anti-Pants Agenda and you look like the lovechild of Lady Gaga and Eustace Tilley. So yes. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Do you have a yeasty, medical need to air out your crotch like that? Do you work in a discothèque in Aladdin's palace? No? Then: Yes. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? You were great in that one scene in A Passage To India, but stealing wardrobe from the set is a no-no. Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Are you an angel based on the hooker from Pretty Woman? Yes? Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Sorry, sweetie, all the sexyface in the world won't allow me to ignore the fact that you're wearing acid-wash looking jeans. You have a lovely figure. But… Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Let's see… Rebel without a cause from a little house on the prairie is saved by the bell? Your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? Toplessness is soooo Fall 2008. Therefore you are out of style; therefore your ass looks wack.

Does this make my ass look wack? El. Oh. El.

Earlier: What Clothes? Urban Outfitters Presents Naked & Half-Naked Chicks
Fall At J. Crew: Romantic Ruffles, Destroyed Jeans, Hideous Shoes
5 Hideous Things Urban Outfitters Wants You To Wear This Summer
May Anthropologie Catalog: Totally Watered Down

Send an email to Dodai, the author of this post, at dodai@jezebel.com.