I'm not going to front like I didn't know who Kendra Wilkinson was until I had to watch her show last night to write about it here today. I get sick sometimes and go to the doctor and read US Weekly in the waiting room just like everyone else. And I walk by the newsstand sometimes and see US Weekly and impulsively buy US Weekly just like everyone else. And I had a subscription to US Weekly for two years until it recently lapsed and I forgot to renew it just like everyone else. But, while I totally watch trash TV all the time with no apologies (and even have a standing Bachelorette-watching party. Finale tonight, guys! Go Kiptyn!) I had somehow managed to aggressively ignore the apparent reality phenomenon that is Kendra Wilkinson until last night.
Here's what I knew about Kendra Wilkinson before watching last night's episode: Kendra was one of Hugh Hefner's girlfriends and was on his show The Girls Next Door. Kendra broke up with Hugh Hefner and "broke his heart" supposedly. Kendra likes The Olive Garden. Kendra recently got married and the pictures from her wedding were knocked off the cover of US Weekly by Michael Jackson's death. Kendra is pregnant. Kendra has blond hair. This is what I knew. (And it's actually kind of a lot! Scary!)
Now, having watched last night's episode, ("Preggers Can't Be Choosers"), I know that Kendra's future husband is a football player of some kind, and that they haven't been together for very long. That worries Kendra's mother, who threw a FIT when Kendra announced to her at a surprise bridal shower that she is pregnant. Which was odd to me, because we're talking about a woman whose daughter until recently lived in a house with a very old man where she walked around naked all day along with the other very young ladies who comprised this old pathetic man's harem of disposable girlfriends. Maybe the mother also had a problem with that, who knows, but it seems like, with all they've surely been through in Kendra's brief 23 years on this earth, a pre-wedding pregnancy announcement should not be cause for the huge family rift the show tried to make us believe happened.
So after a long time (probably two hours) of Kendra's mother not talking to her, Kendra's future husband, Hank, made the mature and wise choice to call the mother and get her to come over and talk about things. So Kendra's mother, grandmother, and brother, Turtle from Entourage, came over and talked for five minutes and everything was solved. Kendra's mother tried to make it all about her and her life as a single mother, even though that doesn't apply, but Kendra's (adorable) grandmother made everyone smile when she expressed her desire to live long enough to hold her great-grandchild, even though she is practically the same age as my mom.
As we all know, there are three stages in every pregnancy:
Stage 1: Mollifying the angry-for-no-reason narcissistic future Grandmother
Stage 2: Feeling so barfy that you can only eat Froot Loops.
Stage 3: Calling Hugh Hefner to tell him you're pregnant.
Last night, all three stages came to pass, and Kendra and Hank called Hugh Hefner (whose receptionist said "Maybe he's up in the office" even though he had to know Hef was there because there was a film crew there to tape Hef picking up the phone for Kendra's call, but whatever) and told him the news. Hank looked SO THRILLED to be watching his future wife and mother of his child calling up the old man who dragged her around by her extensions like a rag doll since she was a teenager, to share this news, but he got through it because what else was he gonna do. Poor guy. Please don't forget to mutter "That's what she said" under your breath after Kendra's last declaration in this segment. If not, the world will explode. Clip above.