Men's Health Thinks Your Pickup Moves Are Painfully ObviousS

Men across the world keep reading Men's Health for relationship advice, which is good news for me, as I get to keep writing about how dumb it is. Today, we explore their latest mess: "27 Obvious Signs She Wants You."

As has been the trend in our last few Men's Health takedowns, this particular article was written by a woman, Lisa Jones, who has broken into the Lady Love Factorium and stolen the 27 most obvious signs of desire in order to share them with the bros of the universe. Goodness me! Now that the secrets are out, how will our "sexy moves" ever be taken seriously again?! Perhaps we should explore a few of these "obvious signs that she wants you," you know, in order to be sure that we're not caught dead doing any of these things ever again:

1. I call you by your first name instead of your nickname, because, babe, I'm not one of your buds, nor do I intend to become one.

Hey, dude, I'm not going to call you nicknames, babe, because babydoll, nicknames are for your buds, bud, dude-a-rama. You got that, Sweetface Magoo? I'm callin' you by your real name, babe. Dig?

3. I rub my lips together often in your presence.

I read this one to my bf, who responded: "Does she need Carmex? Why would she do that?"

7. My speech pattern is starting to resemble, like, Kirsten Dunst's.

Angela Chase Syndrome is not a sign that she wants you, dude. It's just the way she talks. Thinking it means she wants to sleep with you just because she says like, I mean, that's like, really stupid, or whatever.

9. I touch you (for any reason) more than once.

For ANY reason? So punching him in the face, or kicking him in the balls and yelling, "Towanda!" is a sign that you want to sleep with him? I think not. Unless you're into that kind of thing, of course.

22. I tell you about the new Coldplay album, developments in the Pinochet case, or the new limited-release Dave Eggers novel I "just happened to hear about" because last time we spoke, you mentioned your interest in the London sound, international law, or postmodern literature, respectively.

Isn't it so sexy when a woman has no personality of her own, but just clings to the things you like, in order to impress you? And Coldplay is "the London sound?" Really?

26. You've taken over the starring role in all my fantasies. You have no way of detecting this, just thought you'd like to know ...

Check please, and a restraining order to go.

23. I ask you if you know where the coatroom/bathroom/VIP room in this place is. When you tell me, I raise my eyebrows, turn, and walk in the correct direction.

Ah yes, the ol' "I saw this move in a movie 800 times, so I am going to replicate it and hope that it produces similar results." This is pretty much the Megan Fox SexyFace of smooth moves, is it not?

24. I'm in the bathroom for more than 3 minutes, which is always more than adequate time to actually pee.

A commenter on the Men's Health board, bless his heart, posted this in response:
"what if shes takin a dump?" What if she's takin' a dump, indeed, Jared N. Deep thoughts. Deep thoughts.

6. Instead of merlot, I order a Corona, which, conveniently, is served in a bottle-the better to sexily sip from.

This is the "sexy move" equivalent of the Drudge Siren. This bottle looks like a penis! A penis, I say! Look at me! Penis in the mouth! But not really! It's just a bottle, guy that I'm not calling my his nickname! Let me lick my lips before putting them back on this penis bottle! Was that not subtle enough? I can also get an anvil with the word "sexy" to fall on your head if need be! CALL ME!!!

27 Obvious Signs That She Wants You [Men's Health]