This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Every Wednesday, we play Midweek Madness, in which Margaret and I gorge ourselves on the sugary, empty calories of the weekly tabloids so you don't have to. Treacly stuff from Us, Ok!, Star, Life & Style, and In Touch, ahead.

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Ok!
"Steamy Nights Together!" What's odd is that inside, there's really no mention of "steamy nights." The story is about how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will "finally be reunited at Comic-Con." "Their Comic-Con reunion will be a real test." An insider says that Kristen's friends, including Runaways costar Dakota Fanning, told her she'd be CRAZY not to fight for Rob, because it's OBVIOUS she still loves him. "Her friends are insisting she look as hot as she can when she and Rob see each other, so he will fall head over heels in love with her all over again." Apparently she has a sexy sundress ready. It's all fabrication and speculation. Next: Diana Ross's 20-year-old son Evan Ross went to Michael Jackson's funeral in his mom's place and spoke to the magazine and says his mom is taking care of his sister Rhonda right now, because she is pregnant, and he's been hanging out with the Jackson kids. Jennifer Aniston went to the NYC boutique Only Hearts and bought $1100 worth of lingerie. The magazine prints this sentence: "Though she didn't reveal who the purchases were for, it probably wasn't Courteney Cox." Obviously it's for Gerard Butler! Also, a friend says "She's not acting like a schoolgirl with a crush on Gerard." But! Just a couple of weeks ago, she had a "schoolgirl crush" on Bradley Cooper. Lastly: Angelina Jolie is "fed up" with Brad Pitt's "expensive tastes." Brad's been buying "big boy toys" like motorcycles in addition to works of art and an ultra rare film stock called Kodak Tech Pan, which hasn't been made for years. Brad scours eBay for it, bid enormous sums and then has it flown by courier to whatever city he's in. The magazine says that Angelina, on the other hand, has no problem feeding the kids Hot Pockets and getting her coffee from Dunkin' Donuts.
Grade: F (Fruity Pebbles drowned in molasses with gumdrops on top)

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Life & Style
"Bikini Body Tricks." Let's ignore why on earth Kim K. is so orange on the cover. We don't even know what to say about the cover story. It's such a mind fuck. The headline is "How To Fake The Perfect Bikini Body Just Like The Stars!" Then there's a photo of Rihanna in a bikini. Her body is great; she is not "faking" anything. The tips we're given are 1. Wear a triangle top 2. Extra fabric on the bottom 3. Bright colors draw attention to your best assets. Somehow, wearing a triangle top and a bottom with "extra fabric" in a bright color is going to make my body look like Rihanna's? Don't think so. It goes on like this for eight pages, with misleading tips like "A tan takes 10 pounds off instantly!" and "Kim's secret to an instant great butt." The whole thing made both Margaret and me depressed. Moving along: The headline "Angelina Finally Brings The Twins Out — To Some Surprised Onlookers" sounds like they're talking about her boobs. But no: She took Knox and Viv to see a doctor and people in the waiting room were like whoa. An insider claims that Mischa Barton went on a "three day drug and alcohol binge," which sent her to the mental ward. She started having hallucinations — she thought she had ants and spiders crawling on her. In Gosselin news, L&S calls out Us Weekly for claiming that Jon had an affair with a teacher and Kate had a thing with her bodyguard (Fig 1). Oooh scandalous! A woman asked Angelina Jolie what she thought about Megan Fox and that people are comparing Megan to her. Angelina reportedly said: "Is she aiding in Africa or sitting in on U.N. conferences? Donating herself to something bigger than Hollywood? I'm not familiar with her work, is she an Oscar contender?" Oh. Snap. Is a "baby boom" going to affect the "fashion show of the year"? Karolina Kurkova, Gisele Bunchen, Heidi Klum, Laetitia Casta and Adriana Lima are all pregnant, so the Victoria's Secret fashion show line-up might be different in November. This week, Dr. Rey's Casebook wasn't really offensive, just lame (Fig. 2).
Grade: D- (grape soda with jelly beans and chocolate chips)

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

In Touch
"Hailey's Message To Kate: I'll Raise The Kids." In a six-page blow-out, the magazine continues to insist that Hailey and Jon Gosselin are engaged (other news sources deny this). An onlooker at a club heard Hailey tell Jon, "I can't wait to be a stepmom." She thinks it will be fun, she loves kids, she always wanted a big family, etc. She sees her role as a "fun big sister" and plans to spoil the kids rotten. Hailey and Jon are planning "an extravagant wedding" at the Venetian in Las Vegas with a rock and roll theme; Ed Hardy designer Christian Audigier will be the best man and may even design the suits. Pause here for eyerolls. Meanwhile Kate is "crying herself to sleep," an insider says. By the way, the show's "script" is confusing for the kids (Fig. 3). What else? Drew Barrymore and Justin Long still say they're just friends, but they've been seen making out together all over NYC. In "Who Looks Better For Their Age," Avril Lavigne, Nadya Suleman and Matthew Broderick are losers. (Fig. 4) Katherine Heigl has told producers on Grey's Anatomy that she's going to try and get pregnant, so they should try and write it into the show. But she and her husband are also trying to adopt from Korea. "Why Jessica Can't Let Go Of John." As in Mayer. Miss Simpson never completely severed contact with John Mayer, and a couple of months ago, he even wrote a song for her. A source says people blame Tony for the split — but Jessica "really hurt her chances of being his wife" by staying in touch with John. A source says John and Jessica have "unfinished business" together, which sounds like someone owes someone money, or some sexual experimentation. When Mischa Barton called the police, she allegedly said: "I see tree people." She was hallucinating and thought there were people hidden in the foliage outside her house. She's been calling herself a has-been and complaining that she doesn't have any real friends; a "pal" told the mag she's been using coke and not sleeping and is super paranoid. Lastly: Nick Jonas has given Miley Cyrus a $75,000 commitment ring.
Grade: D (pancakes with buttercream frosting and sprinkles)

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Us
"Kate's Sad Kids." Basically, the Gosselin kids had a photoshoot in New York and the mag uses the words "looking visibly lethargic and moody." The kids were also "asking nonstop questions," "hot" and "crying" at some point Kate may have ignored one crying kid. But you know - same old shit. Also, when Jon was in St.-Tropez, he called the kids constantly and described what it looked like. And! According to The Hollywood Reporter, TLC may have met with advertisers angry that "the formerly wholesome show is now rife with tension." Next: Daniel Radcliffe wrote a poem adultery! "She always accepts, never inquires/Which is just what I want with my desires…" Loving it! The Jessica Simpson story is titled "Almost A Bride," with the subhead, "He Had A Ring. How… Neediness and Weight Demons Made Tony Romo Leave Her." why wasn't it called "How His Assholishness Fear Of Commitment Made Him Run Away"? Just asking. Anywhoozle. Jessica spent $19,000 to ship all of her belongings overnight from Tony's house in Dallas to her place in L.A. — 37 packages, including a Christmas tree. The whole story is basically like, "he had a ring, but he lost respect for her as she dropped hints like crazy." Ladies, don't ask your menz to commit! You'll just lose them! Anyway. This piece ends with this sentence: "At least with no man or ring to obsess over, she has time for her dwindling career…" NEXT. This is the only magazine which claims that Mischa Barton has checked out of Thalians Medical Health Center in L.A., and did so on Sunday the 19th, after being admitted on the 15th. The mag even has a pic of Mischa checking out, and claims that she said "Thank you for everything!" as she left. Lastly, Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes were seen biking together! Remember back in March when LeAnn and Eddie were caught cheating on video, but both denied it? His wife Brandi now says: "Eddie and I have decided to take some time apart."
Grade: D+ (blueberry Slurpee with caramel drops)

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Star
"Kate & Hailey Catfight!" The magazine claims that Jon and Hailey have been after each other for 3 years. While Kate was staying with her family recuperating from her tummy tuck, Jon took Hailey out to dinner. She was 19 at the time. Hailey's friend Al says Hailey can't wait to confront Kate and tell her, "Jon never loved you." He says that the kids have known Hailey for years and love her. An insider at TLC says that when Kate saw the photos of Jon and Hailey together, she looked at them and screamed, "You make me sick!" She told the kids that Hailey is "gross," because she "smokes and drinks and makes Daddy do bad things." She's especially jealous because Hailey is on the cover of magazines instead of her. Moving on: Blind item! "Which male actor makes his chauffeurs want to drive off the road? He prays and snores loudly throughout every ride — and even spits on the seats. It's really not pretty." Victoria Prince, Kevin Federline's girlfriend, may be pregnant. She and Kevin are on vacation in Europe, and she's been feeling queasy. Blanket's "secret mom" is a lady named Pia Bhatti, and she met Michael Jackson in a hotel in Tunisia in 1996. Here's a pic (Fig. 5). An insider claims Mischa Barton had written a suicide note, and wanted to take a boat out on the ocean and throw herself into the water. Nelsan Ellis, who plays Lafayette on True Blood, was an acclaimed playwright before he was on the show; while he was at Julliard, he wrote the play Ugly, about domestic violence, because his younger sister was murdered by her husband in front of his 6-year-old nephew. And she was pregnant. Sad! Nick Lachey sent Jessica Simpson a "Happy Birthday" text, and she wrote back "Miss me?" He invited her over for lunch, and he made her a BLT. But it was a "just friends" kind of BLT. Lastly, there are "20 Stars Without Makeup," in which most of the captions are surprisingly nice.
Grade: D+ (strawberry soda with gummi bears)

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Fig. 2 (click to enlarge)

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Fig. 3

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Fig. 4

This Week In Tabloids: Sad Kids, Bikini Bodies, Catfights & Tree PeopleS

Fig. 5