Whenever I open a fashion magazine, there's an article about how to make this season's trends "work for you!" That's all well and good, but what if $8000 bracelets and walking around without pants aren't really your thing?
Perhaps it would be better if magazines tried to offer tips on how to make realistic fashion scenarios work for us, like say, having no money to buy new clothes! Or the exciting world of juice stains! Or how to feel whole when one's socks are filled with holes! You know, the basics. Since I don't anticipate Cosmo doing a spread on lint balls anytime soon, I thought I'd give it a go myself. Below, a list of how to make a fashion d'oh into a fashion do. Like to hear it, here it go:
- D'oh: Deodorant Stains Oh, deodorant stains! The price we pay for not wanting to smell like the bathroom of a Greyhound bus. You can try to avoid such things by using clear deodorant or whatever, but if you happen to find yourself walking around with bright streaks of deodorant on your t-shirt, as I do on a regular basis, you can rub the fabric of your shirt together so that the friction removes the stain. Or, you can do what I do, and say something like, "I just want to let everyone know that I'm a deodorant user. That way, if someone in the room smells like garbage, you'll all know it isn't me."
- D'oh: Smudged Mascara: While this may have been the look you were going for as you wept over your copy of Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness in 1996, it may not be the ideal look for your office. Mascara primers are helpful if you, like me, have trouble with waterproof mascaras. Or, you could just tell people to back off because they don't know you or your goth style.
- D'oh: Stained Shirt: Whoops! Your straw slipped and now it looks like the Kool-Aid man has thrown up all over you, which is precisely the excuse you should give any co-workers who feel it necessary to point out that you have a giant red stain on your white blouse, as if you didn't know. Either that, or say, "Yes, the stain is intentional. It's a one-of-a-kind piece, thanks for noticing." Or, you could be like me and just go to the office bathroom and pour the rest of the giant red drink over your head to dye the entire blouse reddish-pink. Glamorama!
- D'oh: Ripped Stockings When I wore nylons, I recall clear nail polish being a quick fix to stopping a run. However, after a while I just figured it was easier to remove the nylons altogether. If this is not an option, I suggest ripping holes all over said nylons and telling people it's a fashion choice. "Oh, you're not aware of the Run Fad? It's very Fall '09." Hopefully some Regina George action will kick in and everyone will be walking around in ruined nylons by the end of the day. You could also say something like, "My invisible cat Mr. Georgio ripped them! He's so naughty!" People will then think you are insane, and they will leave you alone. In fact, after that, nobody will notice your nylons at all! Only your wackiness and tendency to speak to imaginary creatures.
- D'oh: Food In Your Teeth Oh, awesome! You've just discovered a piece of spinach between your teeth...and you ate lunch 3 hours ago. Charming! By now everyone has seen it, and nobody has told you about it. This means your co-workers are either afraid to tell you, or they're all laughing at you behind your back and have already dubbed you "Popeye." You have two ways of dealing with this: remove the spinach discreetly in the ladies room with a piece of floss and pretend the incident never happened, or go to the grocery store, buy an entire bag of raw spinach, shove it in your mouth, and walk around the office waiting for someone to point it out. When someone finally does, give them a weird look and say, "Spinach? Where?" Hilarity will ensue. And you'll get your daily dose of some vitamins, I can't remember which ones. Victory is yours!
- D'oh: You Showed Up To Work Wearing The Same Thing As Your Co-Worker: Challenge her to a walk-off. Or get into a fight like Brenda and Kelly did over wearing the same dress to the dance on 90210, but then hope your co-worker goes to lose her virginity to Dylan McKay, because they're so in love or whatever. She'll probably forget about the dress thing after that. And if she doesn't, you can just tell everyone else in the office that the two of you are actually long lost twins, and you didn't know it until you both showed up wearing the same dress, and that it has been so emotional for the both of you that you need to take the rest of the day off in order to rediscover your family connection and eat ice cream and just be sisters. You both win!
- D'oh: You're Too Broke To Buy New Clothes Some of us can't "shop in our closets" because our closets are filled with things that belong on the clearance rack at TJMaxx. This is because they were purchased from the clearance rack at TJMaxx 5 years ago. So what should one do? Realistically, I guess, invest in nice pieces whenever you can afford it (or at least decent pieces to get you through a work day). Scouring Ebay, thrift shops, and online sales helps as well. Or, you could just combine all of the steps above and go to work rocking your stained, deodorized, spinach-hanging, torn, smudged ensemble of dreams. Nobody will match it! Except for your co-worker, of course, who is always trying to steal your sartorial thunder. But you have something she doesn't have, my friend: an imaginary cat to blame your troubles on! And wherever Mr. Georgio goes, hilarity and style are sure to follow.
Natalie Dee." />