AskMen Asks A Woman For The 5 Lies All Females TellS

AskMen has done the research and come up with a helpful list, "5 Lies All Women Tell." With a title like that how could they go wrong?

In a piece first published two years ago (but apparently so insightful that they republished it this week), AskMen's relationship correspondent Madeline Murphy provides a wonderful example for anyone who has ever encountered the argument that because someone is female, she is cannot be sexist. Murphy claims that she is acting on the behalf of all women, revealing the dirty secrets we, as a gender, have been hiding for so long. But whose side is she really on? We tally up the winners and losers in Ask Men's inane article to see who, in this gender war baiting piece, comes out on top.

The "Lies:"

1. "I'm not mad at you." According to Murphy, women are insecure, passive aggressive creatures, who are fundamentally unable to admit when they have been annoyed by a man's "minor screwup" (for example, forgetting your birthday). Murphy suggests that men should approach this situation by "calling her on her real feelings and discussing why she's so angry."

Winner: Men. Women come across as whiny bitches who can't handle their own emotions, while men get to take the moral high ground through accusing their significant others of lying.

2. "I don't mind if you go to strip clubs with the boys." This is a lie that women tell to make themselves seem "less pathetically needy." This is another no-win situation for women. Either they are liars and hate their boyfriends for having a little harmless fun the boys (by objectifying naked strangers) or... well, if you aren't needy and insecure, than I guess you are not a real women. Murphy instructs men to handle this situation by not going to strip clubs; "You're probably better off just not going. Ask yourself: Are two hours of bare booty worth weeks, even months, of bitchy comments?"

Winner: Tie. Men are deprived of the privileged of spending a "boy's night out" ogling naked women, but women are insecure harpies bent on securing their boyfriend's unhappiness.

3. "I'm just not ready for a boyfriend right now." This is actually a lie I've told. As Murphy points out, it is sometimes used as a way to let a guy down easy when you have zero interest in seeing him naked (read: an Ask Men subscriber). She advises men to keep their dignity and walk away.

Winner: Women. The lie was "told with the best intentions," and if Ask Men readers decide to follow the advice and gracefully bow out of an awkward situation, than the noble liar wins.

4. "I don't mind picking up the tab tonight; you always pay anyway." Ugh. This one is the worst of the bunch. Murphy tells men to go to a date prepared to pay, at least during "critical dating stages." Later on, we assume, men should feel free to accuse their dates of lying, and demand that they pay up.

Winner: Men. Sure women get a free meal, but they are also portrayed as money grubbing liars unwilling to pay their own way.

5. "That was f*cking great!" Murphy says: "When women are committed to a man, they focus on him, often believing, time and time again, that he is 'the one.' Because girls have this tendency, they also tell guys whatever they think they want to hear (like they just had an orgasm), just to make them feel good about themselves." In the AskMen universe, when a woman says she enjoys sex, it means she thinks you are "the one," and she actually had a horrible time. Another no-win situation. But! Murphy suggests that men handle this situation by just not asking awkward questions like "did you come?"

Winner: Tie. While Murphy's final suggestion is one of the only positive things about this ridiculous piece—who hasn't been annoyed from time to time by post-coital interrogations?—the claim that all women lie about enjoying sex is downright wrong, not to mention insulting to both genders.

Final Tally: Gender stereotypes win by a landslide. Despite the occasional spattering of good advice, AskMen once again proves that, in their relentless pursuit of the title "Most Sexist Publication," there are no real winners.

5 Lies All Women Tell [AskMen]