Meet John Alanis, "The King Of Let 'Em Come To You"

John Alanis knows women. "In some circles," he writes on his completely insane website, "I'm known as the The King of Let 'em Come to You." Well guess what, John? Now we're comin' to you. Buckle up!

How do I even begin to explain the wonder that is John Alanis? Perhaps it's best to start with his life story, which he lays out in great detail on his site, using yellow highlighted passages AND bolded lettering to make sure that you get the picture. Young John Alanis was, as these stories often begin, a geek as a youth, terribly overlooked by the beautiful ones. Like so many before him, he could not understand why the popular girls dated the asshole jocks instead of the "nice" guys. As is standard in these tales, John Alanis then went through a physical transformation after high school and was able to score the very same hot girls who passed him by as a youth. But as soon as he was nice to them, they bolted! Because women love jerks, that's why.

Anyway, the story goes on for about 900 more paragraphs, with anecdotes about a girlfriend named Sin who "loved to Sin!" and a trip to see "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka" thrown in for good measure, until we get to the point: all of the heartache and rejection that John Alanis has suffered has made him an expert on relationships, and he wants to help you score the lady of your dreams.

Alanis claims his system is built around the concept of "biological attractiveness." His site reads like a Dog Whisperer for women, which is fitting, as he tends to portray women as easily manipulated, trainable creatures that will fall at your feet as soon as you unlock the secrets of making a woman feel "it," which Alanis describes as "the one, almost indescribable feeling, that beautiful, desirable women spend their lives looking for in a man, yet rarely experience." The whole thing reeks of a scam, with the site broken down into separate pieces that don't really link up, and hyperbolic statements on Alanis' behalf like "WARNING: When you use these secrets, you have to be careful not to attract too many women at once, or your life can quickly become a "living hell!" I made that mistake once, and I'll never do it again… you must be careful to use these secrets in moderation, and not abuse them." Riiiiight.

The internet is filled with John Alanises (Alani?), and websites like this aren't too special, I suppose. But there's an element of Alanis' site that raises him above the other would-be dating professionals of the world: he's also kind of a jackass who believes that the "liberal media" is to blame for our society of "girly men." Oh, and his website is filled with scantily clad women and passages about gaining "total power" and "control" over your relationships. You know, a really healthy perspective on things. Here's a little glimpse:


Meet John Alanis, "The King Of Let 'Em Come To You"

Imagine how exciting your life will be when you put these attraction secrets to work for you. Doesn't this woman look excited, you guys? She can't fucking wait for a dude using this system to sweep her off her feet.


Meet John Alanis, "The King Of Let 'Em Come To You"

You do NOT have to be a 'jerk' or change 'who you are' to attract women. No. You just have to be extremely manipulative and view them as objects that you can mold to your own personal liking.


Meet John Alanis, "The King Of Let 'Em Come To You"

Women are supposed to approach YOU first, not the other way around! I mean really, you guys! And when women DO approach you first, this is typically the outfit they will be wearing.


Meet John Alanis, "The King Of Let 'Em Come To You"

You NEVER want to waste time with a crazy woman or one who's just plain mean. And I mean, look at this woman! She's wearing sleeves! What an uptight crazy bitch, am I right?


Honestly, you guys, this website is so insane that I can't even really put it into words, so I'll just let John Alanis speak for himself:

How to win the undying devotion of every woman in your life, whether they are just friends, lovers or adventure partners. They'll think you're a "rare man" and literally fight to introduce their hot friends to you. (Believe it or not, woman take a tremendous amount of pride in "hooking their friends up" with a great guy… discover how to be "that man").

Do you like "younger women," you know, hot little 19 –23 year olds with firm bodies, "girls who just want to have fun?" You'll discover how to get them to flock to you no matter your looks, age or income. They may not want to be seen in public with you, but who cares… let them know you can "deliver the goods" and they'll sneak into your house just to be with you.

Or, maybe you like older women, "milfs?" Oh my, these women can be fun, and most don't have the "young ideas" other women have… all they want to do is "blow their circuits" (and yours) while they still have a few years left… you'll discover how to be the man they call when they're bored. WARNING: you'd better be in good shape and have great "stamina" when you play with these women… they'll wear you out from start to finish.

Does a woman you lust after have a "boyfriend?" No problem, here's how to make her completely forget about him, and come running to you. OR, even better, let her keep the boyfriend (so he can pay for the fancy dinners, the big house, and the leased luxury car) and come to you so you can make her deepest fantasies come true. Why be the boyfriend when you can be the "fantasy man" who fulfills all the needs the boyfriend can't?

How to get her to do anything (and I mean anything) sexually for you, in a way that brings her incredible pleasure. Most women are open to ANYTHING, if you know how to approach her. This one little secret will allow you to live out all your male fantasies no matter how "intense"… and she'll come up with new ones you never even knew existed!

How to never, ever be "dumped" again (no more rejection, ever… you get to make the rejection decision, not her)

Yeah, I know. I'm creeped out, too. But that's not even the worst of it. In a post dated June 26, Alanis decided to ask this question: "What does "no" really mean?" He then answers his own question by stating:

Sometimes "no" is simply a test by women-they want to see if you're man enough not to be stopped by a simple no. Wusses and wimps fold the tent and go home when they hear no, because they're just like the girly men in the media-and to them no means no.

Actually, John, no means no. It's not "wusses and wimps" who fold the tent, it's men who have enough respect for women to, you know, NOT RAPE THEM.

I have spent a good deal of time clicking around Alanis' website, which is a labyrinth of sorts, and my brain is slowly melting into my eyes as a result, but the best way I can describe this man is a cross between Tucker Max, Glenn Beck, and every single terrible sex article ever published by Men's Health. A "deluxe membership" to Alanis' program costs $979.00. "Consider this: if my system saves you from even one bad relationship, it will easily be worth ten times the cost," Alanis writes, "if it prevents you from blowing wads of dough on bad dates, hundreds of times." Let me do you one better, dudes, and save you the money up front: if you feel the urge to purchase this thing, just say no, and mean it.

What Does "No" Really Mean? [John Alanis]
John Alanis' Ultimate Unlimited Lifetime Power And Success With Women System[John Alanis]
[Women Approach You]