I typically take on Men's Health on the weekends, because it's a treasure trove of stupidity, but today's Saturday gem comes to us from Cosmopolitan, which decided to present us with "10 Sexy Things To Do With Ice." Yes, really.
Apparently the crew at Cosmo got tired of drawing diagrams of two awkward looking people in the missionary position and coming up with different CosmoSutra names for it, so they've gone back to basics here, reminding their readers of one of the biggest "sexy" cliches ever: the ol' sexy ice cube bit.
Have you heard of this thing called ice? Apparently it is what you get when you freeze this other thing called water. Liquid into solid, crew! Lessons in matter transformation are soooooo hot for Fall '09. And bonus, y'all: ice is practically free, because all you really need is running water, a freezer, and an ice cube tray! Get into it, Recessionistas!
Here's an example of what you, too, can do with ice:
Use the ice cube to trace a chilly path along his naked body and then follow it with your tongue. The temp change will heighten his pleasure, while the anticipation of watching where your lips go will send him over the edge.
Can't you just picture this happening? Of course you can! Because it's been in about 900 million stupid sex scenes over the last 40 years. Remember when your high school boyfriend saw Ali Larter in a whipped cream bikini Varsity Blues and was all, "That is the sexiest thing a girl can do," and then you spent a week or two figuring out if or how you'd end up in a whipped cream bikini, as stupid as it seemed? And then years later you suddenly recalled said memory and thought, "That was so fucking dumb and that guy was a douchebag." That's kind of what's happening here, except Cosmo probably still thinks Varsity Blues is really hot and a guidebook for sexual activity.
Place the ice cube between your breasts and run it back and forth so that your skin feels cool and wet, then guide your man's penis between them for a hands-free massage.
Because nothing says "true love" like trying to please your potential-necrophiliac boyfriend by trying to make your body as corpse-like as possible, I guess.
Give your guy a sexy scalp rub with one hand and use the other to trail the ice along his hairline and temples, all the way down to the base of his neck.
Who doesn't like to have an ice cube smeared all over their head, I ask you, who?
Post-sex, slowly move the ice cube across your guy's back for a frisky cooldown, then ask him to return the favor.
What kind of magic ice cube is this, you guys? Over the course of the article, it moves from your mouth to his body to your breasts to his penis to his hair to your feet to your clitoris and somehow it's still kicking around for an after-sex "frisky cooldown"? Can we patent this shit? We'd save the polar bears in about 2.4 seconds.
Of course, nothing here is really shocking or new: Cosmo is really into the whole "ooh, girl, get him with ice" phenomenon. Don't believe me? Read this. Or this! Or perhaps this! The ol' ice trick is as much a Cosmo staple as their articles at how bad you are at being a woman, why you need to fix your hideous face and wardrobe before leaving your house, and why everything you've ever done in your life is really dumb because you don't have a boyfriend. It's tired and expected and pretty much sums up everything you'd expect from a women's magazine that pushes "hot new" tricks that your great-grandmother was probably gossiping about as soon as the Kelvinator was placed in her kitchen.