Dick Cheney Tell-All To Describe How He Fed On America's Innocents Innocence

The Washington Post is holding a contest for readers, asking them to pen the first paragraph of Dick Cheney's upcoming memoirs. How could we resist?

I spent years walking among them, these humans, waiting for my chance to enter the corridors of human power and take it for my own. A run for Congress was easy, what with my youthful looks and exuberance... but then I realized that I couldn't stay young and beautiful forever, lest they began to suspect my true nature. Years of slowly searing my flesh in the hot sun, attended to only by my familiar, Lynne, while "working" for the vampire-led Halliburton, aged me enough that I could regain access to those who would lead. And then, one night, left alone with the son of a human scion I once grudgingly served, I was able to whisper sweet fantasies of ultimate power in his ear, causing his member to engorge with blood as I described all that we might rule together. I felt his body tremble against mine, his arms drawing me closer, his lips beseeching me to give all of that to him, as I ever so gently sank my teeth into his neck and began to feed.

Oh, like you didn't think Cheney was a bloodsucker?

It Was a Dark and Stormy Eight Years [Washington Post]

Send an email to Megan Carpentier, the author of this post, at askalobbyist@gmail.com.

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