This Week In Tabloids: Angelina's Twins Are Sick; Real Housewife Sex Tape Secrets

Welcome back to Midweek Madness! It's been a long time since every single magazine had a different main image. Inside? Mostly the same old bullshit. We did learn new details about Angelina's babies, Aniston's date and a Gosselin tell-all book.

Margaret assists in weathering the hazy climates in In Touch, Us Weekly, Life & Style, Star and OK!, below.

Before we get to the weeklies, we have to recommend this paragraph from an excellent piece in the Guardian:

Editorial meetings at celebrity magazines… may not always resemble those elsewhere. "You build the story around an emotion," says a celebrity weekly editor, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "What's happening with poor Jen this week? Well, John Mayer's seeing someone else, and for a woman of her age, that must be awful ... So you construct a narrative of what a woman her age may be feeling." Stories may start with nothing more than a set of photographs: Aniston looking happy, or sad - or happy one moment and sad the next, since if you take multiple shots of anyone, with a fast shutter speed, you can capture a range of expressions. "The question is: how can we construct a story around a set of emotions that our readers are going to relate to? It can come from a genuine tip, or a photo. Or it can come out of our ass."

You don't say?

Ok!
"Tempted By Another Woman!" Sigh. It's easy to see why this magazine is losing $450,00 a week. Nothing good here. Robert Pattinson and Emilie de Ravin filmed a kissing scene for Remember Me, and "after the cameras stopped rolling," Emilie "snuggled with him for at least 10 minutes." A source says, "you can tell it's more than work relationship." Also inside: Ashlee-Simpson-Wentz is on Dr. Siegal's Cookie Diet. Mary-Kate Olsen tried to use her black Amex card in a dive bar. She told the bartender: "I don't know what to tell you, this is all I have." Lastly: Jennifer Aniston went out with "new man" Bradley Cooper. The restauranteur says: "They were two people coming in for dinner at 11 at night. You can figure out the rest." Wait, what? After-sex dinner? Before sex dinner? What are we meant to assume?!?!
Grade: F+ (hot, humid & very rainy)



Us
"Backstabbing, Lies & Fights" If you want to know more about The Real Housewives of New Jersey, you'll find this issue chock full of information. If you don't care, then this is not the mag for you! Notice how they cut off Teresa's pregnant belly on the cover? Here are sample tidbits: New mom Jacqueline says: "I am not friends with Danielle. She has not seen the baby, nor will I ever allow her to"; Dina and Danielle are not friends because of a financial dispute; Danielle says of the sex tape her boyfriend Steve is shopping: "I've been told by my attorney not to discuss that. But I can tell you one thing: It is unauthorized and it was taken with his cell phone." Okay. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan claims that her allegations about Justin Timberlake cheating came from someone hacking into her Twitter account. Uh-huh. Sure. Apparently the club owner who saw JT that night says he was only hanging with —and left with — guys. Mad Men's Christina Hendricks spills details about getting hitched to Geoffrey Arend in NYC on October 11: "We are doing a very small, very sweet simple wedding, so it's really been a pleasure." Lastly: Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper's "Hot Date Night" — they stayed quite late at Il Cantinori in NYC and "there was no show of emotion." But! A friend says: "Jen will never last with someone who doesn't drink. She loves her margarita Sundays." Another "friend" accuses her of setting the whole thing up for the paparazzi: "Instead of going out with a normal guy, she'll go after the hottest thing of the moment, because it will get her the most time in the spotlight. She knew paparazzi would be on them, and that it would be a huge story. She did the same thing with Vince and John. This was so set up."
Grade: D (sticky days of drenching rain)

Star
"Jen & Bradley: It's On!" More about the Cooper/Aniston date: An eyewitness says: "I went over to say hi to them, and noticed that they were holding hands under the table…" Bradley and Jen chatted to a waiter about his upcoming wedding and the spy says Jen make eye contact with Bradley and flashed a huge smile. OMG ALL WIMMINZ WANNA DO IS BE BRIDES. Next: Hot guys in glasses (Fig. 1). Blind item! "Which globe-trotting young hottie has been hiding a big secret in his entourage? No matter where he goes, the actor always makes sure to have his AA sponsor by his side." BREAKING: Tori Spelling has gained 12 lbs. Nick Cannon already has a tattoo of Mariah Carey's name on his back, but he wants a butterfly to remind him of his wife. And he wants it be "manly." Jon Gosselin is writing a "revenge tell-all book." He's halfway done with the manuscript and could get $10 million. Look for it in November! Jon wants to world to know that he thinks Kate's been sleeping with the bodyguard for months and rubbing the relationship in Jon's face. Also, Kate often "withheld" sex from Jon. Moving along: Jamie Lynn Spears, 18, went to a friend's bachelorette party in Florida and drank vodka and orange juice. Underage drinking scandal! But JLS kept things low-key. Also, in case you're wondering, JLS is "no longer in love" with her baby daddy, Casey Aldridge, and if they do ever get married, it'll be because her family is pressuring her.
Grade: D+ (humid, hazy days with no sign of rain)

Life & Style
"Why Angelina Is Hiding The Twins." This is not about her rack. Angelina's babies are suffering from serious digestive problems. Knox spits up every meal; Vivienne has food and environmental allergies and is on a lactose- and gluten-free diet, yet is still underweight. There's a sidebar called "Where The Twins Have Been Hiding," which is basically pictures of Angie and Brad's houses. In other words, they've been at home. SHOCKING! The homes are described as being "shrouded in secrecy," as an "Ultraprivate LA retreat," and "French fortress" would be. A friend says Britney Spears is not engaged and "the ring" is an old ring. Megan Fox is "torn between two guys," Shia LaBeouf and Brian Austin Green. "Can Jen Tame Her New Bad Boy?" Apparently Jennifer Aniston should watch out for Bradley Cooper. "He's slept with a lot of women," says an "L.A. partygoer." "A bunch of my friends say he's slept with them." This person also says "He's not a keeper." Bradley is also described as a "womanizer" and a "ladies' man." Next: "Is Emilie Dressing Like Kristen To Win Over Rob?" — because the only reason a woman would want to wear jeans and Chucks is to bone a sparkle vamp (Fig. 2). A "friend" says that Jon and Kate Gosselin's divorce "could get very ugly because so much money is at stake." Have you seen the woman who spent $220,000 to look like Britney Spears? This is your chance (Fig. 3)! Mariah Carey has spent $111,000 on a Cinderella-themed nursery in her Bel Air mansion. Is she pregnant? Does she know she is having a girl? Lastly, in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Which Star Has The Best-Shaped Butt?" Kristen Stewart's ass "doesn't jut out," so clearly she'd look great with Jessica Biel's "youthful and athletic" derriere (Fig. 4).
Grade: C- (humid, with drizzle)

In Touch
"Kate's Private Hell." It's not a public hell, it's a private hell, okay? The mag prints this sentence: "Her face a mask of pain, Kate walked alone to the edge of her driveway…" She spoke to a security guard, who walked her back to the house, and she started wiping tears from her eyes and yadda yadda yadda. This story is mostly told through the use of photographs with arrows and short captions like "Mady's sad." And "Jon has a pot belly." Boo. Here's a question: "Who looks Better For Their Age?" Losers include Carmen Electra, Kiefer Sutherland and Amy Winehouse (Fig. 5). Winehouse? Cheap shot. "Wow! Megan's A Brand New Woman" is a detailed photo journey of Megan Fox's plastic surgery (Fig. 6). Angelina cried at two different events for World Refugee Day, but this magazine says: "many suspect that her tears sprung from more personal troubles." She's not upset about fugee kids! She's upset about Brad, who is "burned out" by all the fighting. Angelina is "isolated" and "lonely" and she "regularly sobs." As for Jen Aniston, the paparazzi have nicknamed her "The Phantom," because she doesn't get photographed unless she wants to. So the snap of her date night with Bradley Cooper? No accident. A "pal" says she picked the restaurant because Brad Pitt likes it and she wanted to make him jealous. There are pictures of Robert Pattinson being "manhandled" by fans on the streets of New York, and he looks frazzled, paranoid and freaked out. Dr. Gila Carle, who does not treat the star, says: "I beg him to get therapy." Warning! Kate Hudson is a "Curse For Men." "Hudson's lovers have been plagued by problems" and the mag asks if she is a "bad-luck charm." Dr. Lisa Boeksy, who does not treat anyone involved, says: "Some women have an overly intense effect on men. Their beauty and charm are so intoxicating that men lose sight of everything else important." A story called "They Look Better With A Few Extra Pounds" includes Audrina, who went from "bony to beautiful," Mischa Barton, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger and Teri Hatcher. Lastly: The best part about "What It's Really Like Dating A Star" are the multiple blind items. For instance: "An actor just had a baby with his girlfriend, but behind her back is having an affair with his fellow actor friend."
Grade: C- (intermittent showers)

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Related: The Brangelina Industry [Guardian]
Mag Bag: 'OK!' Loses $450K A Week [MediaPost]

Send an email to Dodai, the author of this post, at dodai@jezebel.com.

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