"Shopping's Back!" according to July Elle, so now you can buy yourself a hair shirt (actually "Mongolian fur," but still perfect for doing penance) and pair it with some attractive, practical leather shorts.

No look is complete without the proper makeup and skin care. So slather on some bright red lipstick (and discard the coral, blush, and nude tones Elle told you to buy in previous issues). But first, prep your face with lasers that induce inflammation. Sure, in large doses inflammation causes cancer and heart disease, but in small doses it just causes sexy! And zapping your face is way more fun than saving money.

Send an email to Anna North, the author of this post, at annanorth@jezebel.com.