Whatever, Edward Cull-Ken, You're Not The Sparkliest Doll On The Block

Oh look! It's Barbie as Bella Swan, and Ken as Michael Myers Edward Cullen. Ugh. Whatever, Twilight Barbie. You might think you're special, but there's already a few dolls that totally out-sparkle the Sparkly Vampire.

So who could possibly out-sparkle Edward in the toy chest? Let's take a look, shall we?


Glitter And Gold Rio: Awwww, yeah! Check out this fine flashy gentleman. Glitter and Gold Rio didn't mess around, ladies. He had purple hair and a gold lame suit with the kind of sparkle power that could easily knock Vampire Boy to the ground. And he dates Jem, which only ups his sparkle power. See his hands in this picture? He's holding his right hand up, but he's saying, "Edward Cullen, to the left, to the left."


Earring Magic Ken: Earring Magic Ken had a short run as the most awesome Ken doll of all time, before Mattel crumbled under homophobic pressure and pulled the doll from the market after an urban legend spread that his earring-inspired necklace was actually a cock ring. The cock ring of sparkly awesomeness, I say. Look at Edward Cullen's boring Forks, Washington attire. He can't even come close to Earring Magic Ken's purple vest and winning smile.


Rocker Ken: Half-astronaut, half-rock star, Rocker Ken comes to us in a suit of silver and a hairdo that can only be described as 1985. So you're a vampire, Cullen. Can you sparkle AND rock out on your silver guitar? I think not.


Dream Glow Ken: Sure, you can sparkle, Cullen, but can you GLOW? I don't think so. Dream Glow Ken has an aura of sparkles, just like you. Not such a special snowflake anymore, are we, Cullen?


Jewel Secrets Ken: Jewel Secrets Ken has a sparkly suit, sparkly tie, AND sparkly cummerbund. Also? He has secrets. Just like you, Cullen. So you're not the only mysterious one in the toy chest anymore either. You need a new gimmick, Cullen, and you need it fast. Yeah, yeah, you're a vampire. That's really not going to impress the bloodless Barbie crowd. Sorry.


Bonus! Meet Your New Neighbor: Finally, here's our friend Buffy. She prefers to be called an "action figure." And she can't wait to meet you.

Barbie Collector Doll- Twilight [Toys R Us]

Send an email to Hortense, the author of this post, at commenters@jezebel.com.

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