This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which we learn that Britney's engaged; Kate's a distracted mom and The Hills makes you bulimic.

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

Ok!
"Obsessed With Each Other."
He's is in New York shooting Remember Me and she's is in L.A. shooting The Runaways, but Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are constantly calling and texting each other. Rob invited Kristen and new BFF Dakota Fanning to come and hang out with him in NY one weekend — his treat. An insider says of Kristen's boyfriend Michael Angarano: "While Dakota likes Michael, and he's really sweet to her, she's on Team Rob." Yet! Michael isn't ready to give up on Kristen — he is "re-romancing" her and wrote her a song, which he played to her on his guitar. Lastly: Has Britney met Mr. Right? Her agent, Jason Trawick is "fiercely protective" of her, but another insider says Jason only hangs around Brit because he's protecting his investment. "Britney's dad pays him a lot of money," says a source.
Grade: F (cigarette burn)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

Life & Style
"It's Official! Yes, We're Dating."
Interesting cover line, since at no point in this magazine does either Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart say that they are dating. In fact, there's anecdote about Rob hanging out and going back to his hotel with Emilie de Ravin. (She's in Remember Me, so they're probably staying at the same hotel, but whatever.) Moving on: Katie Holmes is "pushing Tom aside" by focusing on her dancing. "Dancing for her is about independence," an insider says. "She needs to keep life interesting." Miley Cyrus has dumped Justin Gaston for Nick Jonas, who is a better choice because he wears clothes (Fig. 1). Denise Richards tells the mag "Why I Had Three Boob Jobs." She went from an A cup to a C to a double D and now down to a B — her first surgery was in 1991 when she was only 19. She says, "I wish I'd waited. I wish I hadn't done it. There are so many things that enhance your chest these days without surgery." She talks about scar tissue and implant hardness and says she doesn't like to be put under — well why would you have elective surgery? Anyway she still has implants, they're just smaller, and "fit her body." You know what else would fit her body? The ones she was meant to have. Next: Kate of Jon & Kate fame is caught on camera hitting (spanking) her daughter. Horrors! Kate says (through a Bravo rep): "Whether the paparazzi are there or not, I am a mother first… I love my children, and when they misbehave, I discipline them as I deem appropriate for the situation." Also inside: Gisele is three months pregnant. Oh, look: A picture of Megan Fox before she was famous (Fig. 2). Kristin Cavallari admits that The Hills is pretty fake: "When the cameras are rolling, its fun to play it up," she says: "I'm having a good time playing the part — but I really do think of myself as a good person." This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook (Fig. 3), it's "Whose Nose Fits Her Face Best?" Kate Hudson's nose "would look cuter" with Carrie Underwood's tip. Fergie's nose "could use some slimming." The funny thing is that both of these ladies probably already had work done, right? Lastly: Don't miss the "Stars' Figure Flaws Fixed" pages, in which "flaws" include "pear-shaped," "tall," and "athletic."
Grade: D (punching in stomach)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

In Touch
"Caught Hitting Her Daughter."
Exclusive photos! Kate Gosselin smacked her kid on the bottom. She was on the phone and Leah was blowing her whistle and Kate told her to stop — Kate said "Did you hear me?" stormed over, grabbed the kid and then "hit" her. Then "Leah grabbed her bottom in pain." Then there's a sidebar pictures illustrating how Kate is always distracted by her phone. "Kate might be too selfish to take care of all these kids," says a child psychiatrist who does not treat anyone involved. The mag talks to someone from Project No Spank, and you guess what they think. Next: A six-page story titled "Bad Plastic Surgery — Fixed?" Britney Spears had her implants too soon and regretted it! Jessica Simpson used "that Restylane stuff" and her lips were too big! Heather Locklear was puffy; Madonna's cheek implants gave her a "sucking on a lemon" look. (Fig. 4). In Brangelinaston news, Brad Pitt went to Jennifer Aniston's house because he has a "passion for architecture" and wanted to check it out. Jen "may have had ulterior motives," though, because when Brad showed up, Jen emailed a friend saying, "He's here! Wish me luck!" Jen showed Brad around and "babbled nonstop" about the windows and details. "Sensing she was nervous, Brad touched her shoulder and said warmly, 'This place is fantastic.'" Then they chatted about "everything and nothing." According to the mag, "She told him that she missed him, and he told her that they'll make up for all the time they've lost over the last few years." WAIT, WHAT? LOL. He also told her he loved her, but "said it like friend." "But it still made Jen's stomach drop." Moving on: LeAnn Rimes has told her husband that she's ready to file for divorce. Katie Holmes "Can't Get Out Of Her Style Rut," (Fig. 5). A therapist named Dr. Wanis, who does not treat Katie, says: "When a woman dresses down, she isn't feeling good about herself. There has to be something missing in her life." Hear that? If you're wearing jeans and a knit hat, your life is incomplete!
Grade: D+ (slapping face)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

Us
"The Hills Made Me Bulimic."
This is a tragic tale of how Stephanie Pratt started bingeing and purging once she was on the show. She says: "I thought, the camera adds ten pounds, I need to lose ten pounds… I became obsessed with spray-tanning because I thought being tan made you look thinner… I would wake up in a good mood, and I would try to eat thin —" this involved eating balsamic vinegar and drinking water with cayenne pepper — "and then I would read some blog." The blogs called her She-Pratt and said she needed to quit the show and go to the gym. Right before The Hills crew would show up, she would eat a pizza, then a grilled cheese and french fries, "I would be sitting in my room stuffing it down, not even tasting it," she says. "And then I'd go and throw up and I'd let them in while I was brushing my teeth. It was the only thing that felt good." She says having pool parties on the show made her self-conscious. "I think it's better to be called too skinny than too fat," she says. "I think fat is one of the most hurtful things you can call a girl." Moving on: Britney Spears and Jason Trawick sleep in the same hotel room when traveling — Jason checks into another room but then sneaks in. Oh, look, Megan Fox's "Crazy Quotes" (Fig. 6). Where have we seen that before? Lastly: Pink and Carey Hart plan on renewing their vows later this year, aww.
Grade: C (spanking bottom)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS


Star
"Britney Getting Married!"
Britney and Jason were in the Bahamas (with Brit's dad and kids) and Brit and Jason "shared a special night." Jason told Britney that he thought she was The One, and she said she felt the same! Then he popped the question. She said yes, and they opened a bottle of champagne. The mag claims Brit was excited because it's the first time a guy has proposed to her (her other two marriages she instigated.) As a souvenir, Britney kept the champagne bottle — and took a self-portrait photo, so she could always remember just how she felt at that moment. No engagement ring has been picked out, though Jason did buy Brit a quartz ring from the Atlantis gift shop. Brit told him she doesn't care about getting a ring, "she just wants to be his wife." The mag prints wedding plans: Brit is thinking about a December date and wants an old-fashioned Southern wedding in Louisiana. Jamie-Lynn would be the maid of honor and her sons would be ring-bearers. Britney's dad will make Jason sign an air-tight pre-nup, etc. The honeymoon will be in Costa Rica, where Jason and Brit first started falling for each other, and they can use Brit's friend Mel Gibson's house! Moving on: Saved By The Bell 2.0, is kind of a funny sidebar (Fig. 7). Ashlee Simpson was overheard telling a friend that she wouldn't let Bronx get plastic surgery until he's at least 18. "And she said she'd never even tell him about her own, unless he asked directly." Blind item! "Which world-famous hottie will only hook up with women who don't know who he is? At a recent bash, one babe played along, only to be dismissed when she let his real name slip." Emilie de Ravin and Robert Pattinson were spotted in a bar in NYC and "definitely looked like a couple." Neil Patrick Harris and partner David Burtka are in the process of selecting a surrogate mother to carry their baby, and of course, they are using the same agency Sarah Jessica Parker is using! They'll be using Neil's sperm, FYI. Barack Obama has decided to stop coloring his hair. An insider says: "Barack will probably be totally gray by the end of his first term… He thinks it makes him look more distinguished." Kate Gosselin was caught kissing her bodyguard, Steve Neild, by her daughter Mady. While on vacation, Kate thought the kids were asleep, and she and Steve were talking in her bedroom. Mady came to the door and saw them "share a quick, gentle kiss." Mady started crying and ran to tell her sister, Cara. According to the mag, "It was far too much for a child of 8 to process." Next is the Real Houswives Of New Jersey bombshell: Danielle Staub sex tape! She dumped Steve Zalewski in an episode on June 9, and Steve says: "Not only does she want to have sex all the time, but she loves the thrill of doing it in public places where she might get caught. She wanted to make love in restaurant bathrooms basically every time we went out…" One night, Danielle and Steve were in a parking lot next a church. Steve says: "We were making love on the hood of our car, and someone inside the convent started flashing a light on and off from the window and rattling the blinds. Danielle thought it was hilarious and wanted to keep going, but I insisted we split." There are a "couple of videos" of the two performing "a sex act" and playing with sex toys. Steve is weighing his options regarding selling these. "She cost me so much money, why shouldn't I make a few dollars?" And! Steve says Danielle's ultimate goal is to pose for Playboy, but "She'll probably have to get her boob job touched up first."
Grade: C+ (sent to bed without dinner)

This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

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This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

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This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

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This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

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This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

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This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The KidsS

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This Week In Tabloids: Britney's Getting Married; Kate's Smacking The Kids

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