A family friend phoned this morning to announce the birth of a baby girl. So welcome to the world, baby girl! Here's how Hollywood expects your life to unfold. Ready set shoes, tiny girl friend!
- You Are Born: Congrats! You've already done this. I haven't talked to your mother yet, but if the movies are to be believed, she spent most of your birth yelling, "Give me the druuuuugs!" while your adorably befuddled father freaked out and cried a bit. Your grandmother said something sassy to your stuffy grandfather in the waiting room, and at least one of your family members passed out in the waiting room, either from excitement, exhaustion, joy, or the icky grossness of the word "placenta." Someone will make a joke about your giant head fitting through your mother's vagina! Congrats! You're a woman in the world now, and everyone around you is embarrassed about female anatomy in general.
- Elementary School: You're walking, talking, and sassy as all get out, baby girl! Believe it or not, this is the time of your life where you'll meet your soul mate or develop a chip on your shoulder that will take about 20-25 years to remove. No, really! In like, 3rd grade! I know! I can't believe it, either, but the movies never, ever lie, sweet child o' someone else's, and I'm just trying to prepare you for the future. Someone will scar you for life with a 3rd grade break-up or by calling you a doo-doo head. And things don't get any better for you in high school, either, I'm afraid.
- High School Oh man, you are going to be such a geek in high school. It's not your fault, really. Everyone knows that you have to be a geek in high school in order to qualify for the life-changing makeover that will secure you a Prince Charming in your mid to late 20's. And if there's one thing we've learned from romantic comedies, it's that your entire life should really revolve around finding the perfect man. Sadly, this thing called "a career" is going to try and stand in your way!
- Your Career: By your 20s, due to your childhood heartbreak and your high school geekdom, you've become a cold hearted bitch with only one thing on her mind: success! Of course, in the Romantic Comedy world, in order to be successful, you also need to be an uptight manhater who buries her "true" feelings under piles of very important paperwork. You might even score a lame boyfriend or fiance, who you don't love at all, but use to fill the hole that your 3rd grade boyfriend left behind. And you might not even know you're capable of love at all (because successful women are like, totally incapable of having romantic feelings, DUH!) until the dude you loved before you "sold out" and became a success falls in love with a perky young gal who just wants babies and walks on the beach, like "real" women do. When this happens, you'll realize your career was totally a sham and was ruining your chances of happiness with a man. And remember: that's what it's all about. See those little blobs with the blue blankets lying next to you? Hitch your wagon to one of those stars, baby friend!
- Your Life After 35 Oh, wait, I'm sorry, this period isn't covered by romantic comedies, unless you plan on being someone's mom, sassy friend who never gets any, sassy slutty friend, shoe addict, or "cougar." Oh, and it helps to be upper class and living in a big city. If you're over 35, not-upper class, and living in a flyover state, you don't exist! Dream big, little one!
- Your Life After 65 If you're one of the lucky few who escapes the plague of invisibility that will inevitably sweep over the women of your generation as well, get ready to be the wacky grandma who drinks too much and enjoys sexual innuendo and "keeping it real" by rapping and using sassy modern lingo. You are so wacky, Grandma! Your sexuality has been watered down to sassy quips and hilarious dance moves, because god forbid a post-menopausal woman actually have a sex life as opposed to a "hot date with Pat Sajak!"
- You're born in wacky circumstances
- Your life sucks for approximately 25 years, mostly because of a man
- You meet another man (maybe even the heartbreaker!) who will help you see that your life sucks because you've spent too much time working and achieving things, and that is like, so boring
- You will fall madly in love before the age of 35
- You will then disappear, only to make sporadic appearances in cameo roles as "Mom" or "Wacky Granny"- a completion of the "women are wacky!" circle of life
- Bonus: You will sing into a hairbrush at least 487 times.
I'm sorry to be such a Debbie Downer on your birthday, kid, but with any luck, everything I've typed here will be false by the time you're old enough to read it, though I highly doubt it, as Forbes recently noted that romantic comedies are, sadly enough, "box office gold." Call me up in 21 years and we'll cry over it together while drinking some dumb cocktail named after the hottest television show of 2030. For as long as these dumb cliches remain, if nothing else, we'll have something to make fun of together. Hilarity, for better or worse, will ensue. And that's pretty much what life is all about.
Something For The Ladies [Forbes]