NPR ran a listener-approved list of the "The Least Appropriate Wedding Songs Ever." Which inspired us to think of even worse ones!
We admit, "Send in the Clowns" is pretty bad. And apparently, someone actually did that, whereas our list is more theoretical. And we avoided, like, "The Rubber Room" and "Come to Daddy." Because no one would choose those, right? Right?
10. "Creep" (Radiohead)
As a general rule, any song containing lyrics to the effect of "What the hell am I doin' here?/I don't belong here" are to be avoided. And you know some uber-Radiohead fan has danced to either this or "Fake Plastic Trees." And by "dance" I mean swayed, middle-school-style, looking miserable.
9. "Run for Your Life" (The Beatles)
For the groom who knows what he wants! And you can't accuse the speaker of ambiguity! Given that this wedding would probably exclude all other male guests, he won't need to worry about anyone cutting in.
8. "Closer" (Nine Inch Nails)
"You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you/You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
...I want to fuck you like an animal." Nuff said, really.
7." Muskrat Love" (Captain and Tennille)
Speaking of animal intimacy! "Muzzle to muzzle, now anything goes" - the choice of newlywed Furries everywhere. Also, surprisingly hard to dance to.
6. "Move, Bitch!" (Ludacris)
Can't you just imagine from Spencer Pratt/Sack-style douche thinking this was hilarious? Ew, and the dance he'd do?
5."Every Breath You Take" (The Police)
Depending on the size of future apartment, either depressingly literal, or merely creepy. Although there's an opp for a lot of pre-choreographed moves involving darting around chairs and Fosse-style shoulder rolls.
4."What's Love Got to Do with It?" (Tina Turner)
3. "If You Wanna Be Happy" (Jimmy Soul)
There's really no way a bride can win with this one. Even if it is super fun to dance to. And now I'm imagining some groomsman appearing and shouting, "Hey, man, I saw your wife the other day. Man, she's ugleeeeeee!" as a "suprise."
2. "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" (U2)
Ideally, you have.
1. "Daughters" (John Mayer)
John Mayer is the creepiest man alive. Even if this song made sense, which it doesn't, Fifth-Commandment -filtered-through-fluent-douche is a poor choice for the celebration of one's marriage.