Why one of us received the Vineyard Vines catalog is a mystery. But it's no secret that inside, we found the WASPiest crap we'd ever seen. Behold:
Having tiny designs on your tie is pretty WASPy, but when the pattern is made up of signs from Martha's Vineyard, well, you win. Or lose. Depending.
WASP Rating: 9 out of 10 (Whitey)
Uh oh. Imagine the behind-the-scenes conversation that went on here:
Old-Timer: Watermelons? Aren't those for… you know…
Young Buck: Kids?
Old-Timer: No, uh, negr— Afro-Americans?
Young Buck: Not anymore. Now they're into grape soda.
Old-Timer: Ah, ok. Carry on, then.
WASP Rating: 6 out of 10 (Dick)
Nothing says "dressed down" like an $85 tattersall button-down collar shirt with a whale embroidered on it. In "cucumber," "bimini blue," "palm beach" and crisp KKK white. Kidding about the last one.
WASP Rating: 9 out of 10 (Chip)
How did the lobster get to be the CEO of a company?
He just clawed his way to the top!
Why do lobsters make bad boyfriends?
WASP Rating: 7 out of 10 (Buckley)
Ooof, VV: This bag is a fail. Everyone knows the true WASP tote comes from LL Bean. Sorry, dear.
WASP Rating: 3 out of 10 (Meg)
Another failure; although it has tiny life preservers and costs $98, this dress looks a mite Forever21, and is therefore a tad too LMC. Hmm? Oh, that stands for lower-middle class, dear. And it just won't do.
WASP Rating: 4 out of 10 (Heatherly)
WASP Rating: 3 out of 10 (Brooke)
Ah, Madras! For those who miss The Colonies, and love beautiful patterns so much that they want to wear them all at the same and thereby ruin them. Madras is always a WASP classic.
WASP Rating: 7 out of 10 (Bitsy)
Fish are cute, but they just don't have the "oomph" that other sea creatures have. Lobster is more high class, no?
WASP Rating: 5 out of 10 (Babs)
Crabs: If you're afraid of having them on your pants, so close to your crotch, you must not be a true WASP.
WASP Rating: 10 out of 10 (Kitty)