Susie and Aretha Bright believe that mother-daughter teamwork is the answer - or maybe the last resort - for all your sex advice needs. Let them help you. This week: barfing etiquette and the ecstasy of the non-orgasm.
Dear Aretha and Susie:
I have a tendency to throw up every single time my boyfriend comes in my mouth. I'm not sure if it's my gag reflex or the taste that causes it. Is there anything I can do to try and stop myself from throwing up? -Wretched.
A: I wish I could do that - it would send a message like no other. Stop having your boyfriend cum in your mouth, Number One. Why does this keep going on?!
S: Are you gagging or vomiting up food? Good grief; it's non-consensual S/M. Do you mind this sensation, or you're just concerned about appearances? Or are you bragging? A tiny bit of gagging can be "cute" if you have total control over it. If you want to do the fantasy where you act like, "Oh, Mr. Big, I couldn't possibly...!"
S: Aretha, stop looking at me like I'm crazy, this is a fantasy some people play out. But if the girl means she's really retching, it isn't funny.
A: Am I detecting that your boyfriend really likes it, and you're just trying to cope with it? Doesn't he mind that you throw up? How is that not turning him off? Is he choking on your vagina? Are you getting some action too?
S: We can't tell, we don't know. It's kinda mysterious the way she puts it.
A: If you had the opportunity to never have to give a blow job again, unless you were wild about it, how would that make you feel? Pretend your boyfriend had no particular interest in it, and it was only your whim.
S: Some women want to be able to please their lovers orally, just to have it in their "toolbox" of techniques, but they really can't stand deep throat, or taking come in their mouths. If that's the case, you want to control his penis with one or both of your hands so you can pull it out, exactly how and when you please. The last three seconds, when he's coming, he's not going to be paying a lot of minute attention to whether he's in your mouth or in your hands. If it's the taste that's the only problem, you need to anticipate his ejaculation, and pull it out. Maybe you'd like to get fancy with your licking techniques.
S: …Yes, thank you Aretha, but I'm not being personal, just hear me out. Many men like to be "licked" just as much or more as being "sucked," and if more women know that, they wouldn't go through all the angst.
A: You never hear a guy asking you to "lick" him!
S: This isn't a Hollywood movie. It's real life. Some guys have never tried it. A lot of them don't ask for anything - they're stoic. The point is, try it. What have you got to lose?
A: There is the chance that this guy's semen is unusually bad-tasting. What does he eat? It's got to stop!
S: Pineapple: good; asparagus: bad. Or you could deep throat for real and miss out on the taste altogether.
A: I can't take this anymore.
Dear Aretha and Susie:
I'm 27 and have never had an orgasm. Not alone, not with someone else. My girlfriends' advice to "get to know my body" and "relax" hasn't evolved since I was about 19. I am relaxed and I DO masturbate - plenty! Most of the men I've slept with say, "Wow, even without an orgasm you sure are enjoying it!" Things like that. One of my long-term partners thinks I enjoy sex more than most women he's been with; I just don't orgasm. Once, I had a "mini-orgasm," as I like to refer to it. My legs went a little numb and I didn't want to move - the pleasure was really great - and then my whole body shivered and I had to lay down for lack of energy. That's what I've gathered an orgasm is like, except that on the pleasure scale, this was a 5 out of the 10 what I normally experience with good penetration sex. Any advice? Is this more common than I think? Was my mini-orgasm really an orgasm?
A: We all want to know: What does a "10" in penetration sex feel like?
S: Yes, that's the focus for me. What makes the fucking part feels so good? Details, please! What were you doing when the little sun burst out? If you combined whatever that was, with the fucking you like, it would the perfect combo.
A: Remember how Ducky Doolittle was telling us how she gave herself mini-orgasms when she was a little girl by flexing her Kegel muscles, which led to much stronger orgasms over time?
S: Yes, the minis are definitely foreplay for what's to come.
A: We don't know how your masturbating, but if you like penetration, get a nice dildo and a Magic Wand, turn it on full blast and see if anything happens. The penetration you like, plus the vibrator, might push you over the edge. You don't want to get "relaxed" - you want to get excited. Important difference. Sometimes people feel inhibited and that gets translated as "not relaxing," but "tense" as in "really horny" is very, very good.
S: About your age… there's no age that‘s "normal" for figuring out your sexual zenith. There's women twice your age who haven't had half the pleasure you've discovered so far. Don't let those thoughts occupy your mind.
A: It's hard when you're trying to make your body cooperate on a schedule. In Jennifer Lehr's book, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex, the husband and wife had to schedule sex dates because their love life was so awful - it was so inorganic and forced. She described so well how trying too hard is a disaster. I don't you to feel like, "Back to homework!" Get horny, follow your hottest fantasies, your craziest suggestions to your lover - the sole pursuit of pleasure - rather than, "I'll work on my Orgasm Project Today." Don't take the fun out of it just because you're in a hurry for it to happen. I hope an "11" takes you by surprise very, very soon!
Questions for Susie & Aretha? Send them to email@example.com; they'll be answering questions every other week all summer long.
Susie and Aretha Bright are related, yes. Susie's newest and 31st book is Bitten. She blogs at susiebright.com and podcasts about sex and politics weekly on: In Bed With Susie Bright.Aretha is moving out of Santa Cruz to San Francisco and starting a new job and school there in one week.