It has become one of my favorite weekend pastimes to take the piss out of Men's Health. But this weekend, I'm just really, really worried about them, as I'm pretty sure they are going insane.
Men's Health loves their listicles, and this weekend is no exception, as yet another WTF-worthy list has appeared on the Men's Health site: "What The Woman In Your Life Is Really Thinking." The article is written by a woman, Sarah Miller, who apparently believes that all women react to men in various situations the same way she does. Unfortunately, Miller's reactions are just...insane. Let's look at a few examples:
The Night You Met:
Wow. You just totally smiled at me! If you hadn't, I would have just stopped talking to you, and you would have thought I didn't like you. But I wasn't going to be the one to stick my neck out, because that's your job. I wonder if your friend's girlfriend is going to be, like, a pain if I don't ask her to be in our wedding?
Translation: "You should probably turn and run." Good lord in heaven. Hating on another woman while fantasizing about your wedding to the dude you are on your first date with? In what reality is this typical? Am I trapped in a glass case of Jennifer Aniston films? Help!
The First Time You Picked Her Up:
Why aren't you here yet? My breasts look so good. But I'd better not catch you looking at them, because then I'll think that you think I'm easy. I have the greatest life! I am so pretty. You're 5 minutes late. I look like a total slut. Where are you? You're 10 minutes late. I'm totally going to be a single mom.
Translation: "I'm going off the rails on a crazy traaaaaain!"
On Your First Date:
Wait a minute: You like the hostess! It was dark when we met. Did you remember me as younger, or blonder, or thinner? Like the hostess? I was lying when I thought I didn't want you to look at my breasts. Stop reviewing the wine list and look at them! I don't like you anyway.
I have to think of something flirtatious to say, to see if you respond favorably. Thank goodness I've only had one drink, so I'm still aware that "I'm not wearing any underwear" is not a good choice. Did you just say the wine list looks "approachable"? "Tell me you did not just say the wine list looks approachable." Whoa. Did I say that out loud? That was mean. Why do I have to be sarcastic when I'm feeling needy?
Oh, you're blushing and saying, "I'm just nervous because you're really pretty," and now you look embarrassed you said that. But trust me, it was the right thing to say. We're such a good couple. It's totally cool if your friend's dumb girlfriend wants to be in the wedding. But she can't be a bridesmaid. She can do the guestbook or something.
Translation: All I could hear in my brain when I read this was Kathy Bates saying "I'm your number one fan."
The First Time You Kissed:
You're pulling me toward you. I am scared you have bad breath. Not too fast, very good, start off slow. I want to feel like you're dying to sleep with me but not like you're worried I won't. I can't believe I need everything to be perfect; it's going to be my undoing. I wonder if I'll date when I'm a single mom.
Translation: I really don't even know what to say to this, you guys. But I'm pretty sure Miller is trying to say "All women think of babies the moment they kiss you, Stinky Breath Magoo. Babies babies babies!"
Your First Time In Bed
I am so glad I didn't eat any carbs or sugar for 3 days. My stomach is so flat! I like looking down at it while you're on top of me. It's so weird that I'm always thinking about getting married. I wonder how many times I have to have sex with you before I can make you buy better sheets. I wish I were more like you. You don't seem to have a whole lot on your mind.
Translation: "Remember! All women hate their bodies and will use sex to manipulate you into doing things. Am I right, lady friends? Cosmo high five! Let's go buy shoes!"
When She Accepted Your Proposal:
I am so in love. I am also relieved I'm not going to be a single mother. I hope I'm doing the right thing. I know why there is a giant ring associated with getting engaged, because every time I look at it, I feel enormously soothed.
Translation: "I have serious issues re: being a single mother, but my craziness can be soothed by a big ol' ring, because all women are shallow bitches who can easily be appeased by a piece of jewelry."
This is, perhaps, the strangest article I have ever read. Miller's reactions are creeptacular, and the implication that all women fit into these dumb stereotypes is both insulting and exasperating. In reality, this article should have been two lines long: "Want to know what the woman in your life is thinking? Just ask her." There's a pretty good chance her answer will be, "Honey, please stop getting relationship tips from Men's Health."
What The Woman In Your Life Is Really Thinking [Men's Health]