Occasionally, we try to prove or disprove the trope that men read Playboy for the incisive articles. Today, having read Guy Cimbalo's epic work on the 10 conservative women he'd like to hate-fuck, we're guessing not too many men even care.
Because it's not as if Cimbalo does anything in his piece but slag on these women for having the audacity to be attractive, conservative, opinionated and loud about those opinions. In other words, if he didn't agree with us mouthy liberal broads, he wouldn't want to fuck us either, and apparently prefers his women quiet and agreeable. And that - no matter what your politics are - is just gross.
For instance, on Michelle Malkin, he opines:
Worse than fucking Eva Braun.
Which would, actually, be difficult as Braun was cremated and her ashes scattered. But who needs a man with any historical knowledge.
On Megyn Kelly, whose "y" he abhors:
You need to flagellate your genitals for wanting to fuck this woman.
Actually, I've met and interviewed Megyn Kelly, and I found her smart, gracious and extremely pretty.
On Mary Katherine Ham:
You get this one pregnant, she stays pregnant.
Apparently, Cimbalo prefers having unprotected sex with women who plan to abort.
On Amanda Carpenter:
This foul temptress is a walking, talking Faustian fuck bargain.
For one thing, Amanda was also a colleague of mine at Glamocracy where she and I once penned a column together. Politically, we'd be hard pressed to find anything on which we agree politically, I wouldn't call her foul or Faustian (but her husband might call her a temptress).
On Elizabeth Hasselbeck:
You're better served sucking off Regis Philbin.
I'd encourage Cimbalo to try, actually.
On Dana Perino:
The second she says "no comment," your testicles are going to retract back into your body.
Right, because who wants to fuck a strong woman?
On Laura Ingraham:
Vagina dentata would be an improvement.
He really does love the "ball-busting" stereotypes, no? Nothing sexist about that.
On Pamela Gellar:
This shrieking harpy...
Need I continue?
On Michelle Bachman:
Chemical castration has begun to look appealing.
Strong woman=ball buster. Caught that yet?
On Peggy Noonan:
Imagine fucking your grandmother.
Because older women are automatically unsexy.
So, liberal ladies, just make sure you keep your opinions to yourself, never get old, never get a high-powered career and goodness knows don't disagree with Guy Cimbalo or, like George H.W. Bush, he might not want to fuck you. And you wouldn't want that.