This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

If it's Wednesday, we must be playing Midweek Madness. Why else would assistant Margaret and I let the tabloids — Ok!, Us, In Touch, Life & Style and Star — kick us in the shins?

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Ok!
This mag can't really be called a tabloid anymore. They've been threatening to change, then everyone got fired and things are not the same. Instead of gossip, it's all fashion, makeup, diet tips, pictures and stuff like Dita Von Teese's fave cocktail and an interview with Padma Lakshmi about her jewelry line. Is it "Elle Weekly," as they described? Not exactly. But there's no juicy "news."
Grade: N/A (disqualified from game)

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

In Touch
"38 Best And Worst Beach Bodies." There are seven pages of celebs in swimsuits. Guess who the mag says "could use a little work"? Lindsay Lohan; Kate Hudson, whom they accuse of "flaunting her curves,"; Katherine Heigl, who "has cellulite" on her "lumpy butt"; and tennis champ Serena Williams [Fig. 1]. In a "Beach Body Showdown," Beyoncé beats Britney, because of her "star quality" thanks to her "chiseled abs." Moving on. In a poll of who should be the black James Bond, Will Smith won, but Diddy, Idris Elba and Jamie Foxx were all in the running. Diddy says, "I think James Bond should be sent on a mission to New York. He should meet me: black Bond." In other news, Jennifer Aniston is "torn between two men." She was seen flirting with Bradley Cooper — they have gone on a few dates and sent a few texts. "But there is one big problem," according to the mag: She's been back in touch with Brad Pitt. "Seeing Brad and talking to him opened up a whole can of worms for Jen, emotionally. She never really stopped loving him," says a source. Which Brad will she choose?!?! Lastly, "Katie's Baby Dream: Twins." Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are gonna try in vitro, and MAY have twins. "Katie wouldn't mind having two more kids with Tom, but she didn't have the easiest pregnancy with Suri, so she isn't looking forward to two more pregnancies," says a source. And she is "thrilled" and Tom is "over the moon" about their nonexistent kids. Obviously.
Grade: D- (red card for insulting language)

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Life & Style
"Jen Betrayed By Her Best Friend." Courteney Cox and David Arquette have been on Jen's side since her divorce from Brad Pitt. But! May 3rd, the couple attended a dinner at a friend's house and Brad was there and they totally talked to him!!! Then they spoke to him again later that night, backstage at a Chris Cornell concert. "It's got to be hurtful," notes psychologist Jean Cirillo, who does not treat Jen. "She seems like a sensitive person and Courteney should know that." What's worse, Courteney is hard at work on Cougar Town — a TV series about older women dating younger men — and Jen wants to make a movie called Pumas, about the same topic. Why is Courteney trying to make Jen's life miserable??!?!?! Moving on: Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are getting "EVEN CLOSER," and there is proof, as you'll see in this picture of them squeezed into a limo together — the caption reads, "the costars sat with their legs touching," but it was either that or amputation! [Fig. 2] Bruce Jenner has a new face, have you seen it [Fig. 3]? Fifteen year old Ali Lohan is "turning into Lindsay" but really is just wearing her hand-me-downs [Fig. 4]. Lastly, this week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Belly In Hollywood?" Pamela Anderson, 41 and mother of two, would "look fab" with the 26-year-old abs of Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. [Fig. 5]
Grade: D (red card for foul play)

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Us
"Kate & The Bodyguard." A source says Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8 and her bodyguard are sometimes "very physical, often touching each other." And! She was spotted "gently poking him, giving him little love pats, unlike slapping does with Jon." Meanwhile, TLC is struggling to retool the May 25th premiere of the show to "somehow reflect or acknowledge the current reality in an otherwise heavily produced 'reality' show." A source says of Jon: "He really hates her and is out to destroy her publicly." Someone saw him at a restaurant with Deanna Hummel, his purported mistress, and says, "He shouldn't have acted like that. He's a married man." Also, a source says when one of her kids was bleeding, Kate raised her arms and said, "can someone deal with this?" She didn't hug the child or call him by name, she acted "like he was a roach." Here is a fun before and after of Kate: [Fig. 6]. Also inside: Angelina is mad at Madonna. She's infuriated that her Madgesty is trying to adopt from Malawi because she thinks Madonna "is a blatant copycat" who is "coming from the wrong place." She thinks instead of caring about the child, Madonna is in it for the publicity. Lastly, this magazine has an ABSOLUTELY EPIC spread of how many times In Touch has had Brad and Angelina "fake news" on their "inventive" covers. Burn! [Fig. 7]
Grade: C (yellow card for unsporting behavior)

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Star
"Inside Jon & Kate's Twisted Marriage!" Kate's brother and sister-in-law, Kevin and Jodi Kreider, talked to the mag because they think Kate is selling out the kids and they're worried about them. Jodi was on the show for 3 seasons and is "popular with fans." Apparently when Kate found out that Kevin and Jodi were getting compensated for appearing on the TV show, Kate freaked out and screamed, "No one is getting paid but us!" Anyway, Kevin told the mag that while they were filming the show, Jon and Kate would fight so much, the crew would have a hard time getting 15 minutes of usable footage out of an 8 hour shoot. Kevin says that Jon came over recently and said he believes Kate has been unfaithful — with the bodyguard, Steve. Jodi says Jon has wanted off the series for a while, but Kate wasn't about to let him off, with so much money at stake. So Kate offered Jon a contract — stating that he could have girlfriends — as long as he showed up for shoots. There's so much more... it goes on forever. But. Moving on: Sarah Michelle Gellar is 5 months pregnant and it's a girl. Kristen Stewart's boyfriend, Michael Angarano, visited her on the set of New Moon and asked her to marry him. She thinks she's too young to get hitched and wants to wait. She's 19; he's 21. Is Jennifer Love Hewitt knocked up with Jamie Kennedy's baby? She was spotted buying a pregnancy test at a CVS. And wearing flowy dresses. Blind item! "Which cable TV hunk had an affair with his on-screen wife? Now that production is back in schedule, will the couple, who both have significant others, pick up where they left off?" (Please don't let it be Jon Hamm!) Also inside: This mag says Rihanna thinks that the nude pictures of her were released by Chris Brown because he invited her to his birthday party and she didn't show up. Don't their problems run a little deeper than that? Next: "Shannen Doherty: Homewrecker!" She's dating the photographer who shot her Radar cover last summer, Kurt Iswarienko, and he filed for divorce from fashion designer Taryn Brand on Christmas Eve. Taryn's mom tells the mag, "Shannen broke up a marriage. That's all I'm going to say." Ashlee Simpson is pregnant again, according to multiple sources. This has the mag wondering if Jessica Simpson's belly is a baby "bump." [Fig. 8] Last, but not least: David Hasselhoff has a "deathwish." He went to the hospital SEVEN times last year for alcohol poisoning and a source says, "when the booze runs out, he moves on to cough syrup."
Grade: C+ (yellow card for blatant harassment)

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Fig. 1

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

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This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

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This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Fig. 4

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Fig. 5

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Fig. 6

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Fig. 7

This Week In Tabloids: Bulging Beach Bodies & Hasselhoff Death Watch

Fig. 8