Please Do Not Cry For Those Poor Polygamist Wives, Fox News

Slate did the universe a service (yet again!) and read the memoir of a "fourth wife" in the Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Saints so we wouldn't have to puke all over the outfit we never took off after getting in last night. In summary, Carolyn Jessop was forced in her teens to marry a 50-year-old named Merril (though never forced to see him naked) who once became outraged when she ordered shrimp at a restaurant because he didn't like it, and wives should never like things their husbands don't. (Interesting philosophy!) They attended "public" schools staffed for and by Fundamentalists which taught children that dinosaurs and walking on the moon were lies. They reared their kids on spooky apocalyptic cowboy-indian games that underscored their belonging in a Master Race. One woman's childbirth involved being "given an episiotomy with sewing scissors and then stitched up with dental floss."

Surely you can understand, then, my utter batshit state of batshithood over people like this Fox News anchor who insist on muddling everything with "compassion" for these poor folks getting separated from their kids.

THIS IS WHY WE FOUGHT THE COLD WAR, YOU GUYS.

Yeah, okay, it sucks to be them, sure. Someday they will understand how seriously it sucks to be them. But cry over the hurt these brainwashed propagandists are feeling over the death of their soul murdering cult when you are ready to call up Egypt and weep for the mom of Mohammed Atta. You are the reason Howard Pyle lost his job and this fucking miniature North Korea on our own land wasn't broken up in 1953.

Chaotic Hearing For Children In Polygamist Case [NYT]
Carolyn Jessop's Memoir Of Life With FLDS, Condensed
When The Polygamists Came To Town [Time]
Fact Net [Fun anti-cult website]