Vanity Fair Writer Sees Jessica Simpson, Thinks "Fat"

Look who’s soooo three months ago! June’s Vanity Fair, with a Jessica Simpson cover, referencing what was all the rage in early February. Author Rich Cohen actually uses the words “through thick and thin.”

Cohen writes:

First, the sudden weight gain, as evidenced by pictures that turned up in the tabloids earlier this year showing the starlet, onstage, looking less than slender, holding the microphone like a turkey leg, and wearing what were described everywhere as “mom jeans.”

Holding the mic like a turkey leg? Does that seem fair? And! He continues:

Jessica seemed nervous. Her hands trembled. She ordered a glass of Pinot Grigio. It seemed to calm her. She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of-it gilded each question in my mind: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?

Rude! Of course, Jessica is Skinny again, not that she was ever Fat to begin with, so instead, the story is about her life now — an estranged first husband, a football player boyfriend, a clothing and accessory business. That’s right, she is a businesswoman. “The Jessica Simpson Collection is a $400 million business,” she tells VF. “My mom and I are creative directors. We have hundreds of people working, but nothing gets by us. It’s adorable and it’s affordable. What’s amazing right now, during this recession, is that, somehow, the business keeps growing.”

When it comes to Jessica’s dumb blonde persona, Cohen admits that it was a contrivance for her MTV show Newlyweds:

The show itself is a postmodern parody of I Love Lucy with each episode organized around a classic comedic situation-a pampered girl goes camping, for example. To make it work, Jessica was cast in a simple role, stereotypical 50s-sitcom ditz, which she is not. If you sit with her and talk, you see that she is smart, reads, thinks, cares, wants to know, but viewers came away with just a few images, the way, if you think of Lucy Ricardo, you come away with just a few images: Lucy in the candy factory, say, overwhelmed by the speed of the conveyor belt.

Yet, that doesn’t keep Cohen from subtly eviscerating his subject in this profile; he notes: “As an actress, she’s slightly less skillful than the actress who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company.” Even if this is true, how is it any different than the “unflattering tabloid portrayals” the magazine claims Jessica is fighting against?

In any case, should the underminery profile enrage her, at least there is a Mario Testino photo portfolio, which she should be happy with.