Spring has sprung! And where else do we turn for stylish warm-weather duds than the faded, stained pages of this 1972 Sears catalog? Polyester, nylon and "qiana," after the jump!

The gentleman behind this posse of ladies is clearly intimidated by their matchy-matchy ensembles, which feature "wide ribbed texture." These pieces are made of Dacron™, Fortrel™, and poly-cotton blends. Props for the awesome Afro and the extremely patriotic vinyl shoes.

I love everything about this image, including the Angels & Demons Illuminati-esque red "beach shift," in oh-so-breathable acrylic/polyester knit. But the best part is that the "lobster" is an illustration that was added later. Even before Photoshop there was image tinkering!

Primary colors FTW!

First, I'm fairly sure that if you go to any crafty, hipstery part of town, you can find some version of each of these outfits. Second: Please note that red, white and blue were the colors of Spring 1972. Nixon was president and Watergate didn't break until mid-June, so everyone was all, USA! USA! Third, the red and white anchor pattern on the far right is the exact pattern of the curtains my parents had in their red and white Volkswagen minibus when I was a kid. True facts.

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Maybe I am turning into a big old fuddy-duddy, but these swimsuits are so much more fun than the skimptastic ones in Lucky.

Seriously, look how cute. And you could actually swim without showing the fish an areola or pube.

More red, white & blue. Also: A Jumpsuit! Peeing involves removing a belt and shimmying a scoopneck neckline around your knees.

When they say "bazaar jeans," they mean "bizarre jeans," no?

Someone here thinks she is a Very Serious Model. Hint: The Brunette. She has Big Plans and they don't involve Sears, or "boy cut jeans."

She is working. This could be her big break! Yellow plaid pants be damned!

More super adorable swimwear, a steal at $6 per piece.

There she is again, on the far left. She's gonna be a star, dammit!

Um, I want the blue coat with the white trim. $22.97 seems like a good deal.

I used to have a "qiana" shirt I got at a vintage store. Did it have the "luxury of silk"? Well, it was silky, but it was POLYESTER. It was the hottest piece of clothing I ever owned. Just putting it on ensured that pit stains would appear under my arms. Why anyone would fabricate a long-sleeved dress out of that stuff is unfathomable. And $25 seems steep!

Fairly sure I saw this lady at the bank last week. As a teller. Same hair and outfit but 36 years older.

Hey! Is your Dacron, Qiana and polyester not really warm enough? Add a shawl! Not just any shawl, a Versa-Shawl. In "soft acrylic and nylon." Wearing near an open flame not recommended.

Knocked up? Don't worry, there's plenty of polyester for you, too.

Plus: Maternity girdles. "Gives you the support you need while you're pregnant." Would that be financial? Emotional? Oh, and re: the girdle with garters "For A First Pregnancy": I don't know what that means, but I don't know that I want to know.

You call them "Cover-Ups," I call them "the perfect blogging outfits." The UPS guy will see me as a lady of leisure and not just a slob!

The trussing on girdles like this always reminds me of meat. But this just isn't any old support: It's scientific.

Wow. Those wigs all get points for sheer vertical achievement.

My new all-chick punk band is called The Crushables. Starting now.

Just in time for summer: Workouts where you just stand there, or, better yet: Lie down.

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Earlier: The Best & Worst Of 'International Male,' Summer 1986
The International Male 1986 Holiday Catalog: The Recockulous Jackpot!