Pssst: The Girl's Guide To Lesbian Cliches & Stereotypes

With all the predictable stereotypes foisted on unsuspecting readers of stories about Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson split, we asked you what the go-to lesbian stereotypes are these days, and, boy, did you guys deliver.

As many of us know, all lesbians conform to a specific set of rules and regulations on everything from dress to sexual activity to emotions, rules that were not taught in secondary school. In the interest of helping America's youth - and the editors of aforementioned tabloid gossip magazines - we've decided to make those rules public. Take them out of the closet, if you will.

Dress Code (Unless The Lesbian Is The Femme)

  • Appropriate footwear: Birkenstocks, Airwalks, chucks, Doc Martens or sports sandals. Socks are never optional.
  • Make-up: not allowed.
  • Undergarments: Bras are frowned upon.
  • Appropriate tops: flannel, more flannel, folksy prints and Polar fleece.
  • Appropriate bottoms: jeans, cords, jean shorts or walking shorts.
  • "Hygiene": Shaving of armpits or legs is frowned upon.
  • Accessories may include: Nalgene bottles; carabiners; keys at your belt; fanny packs; femme lesbians who only dress girly for the attention or to get a real man.

Lifestyle Attributes

  • Appropriate automobiles: Saabs, pickup trucks, Subaru Outbacks, Jeep Wranglers, Xterras, Mini Coopers and Volvos.
  • Pop cultural influences: Melissa Etheridge; Ani DiFranco; Indigo Girls; and The L Word. No exceptions.
  • Pets: At least one cat, and preferably more.
  • Food: Vegetarians preferred
  • Colleges/alma maters: Smith; Bryn Mawr; Mount Holyoke; and Wellesley.
  • Partner choices: Recruiting straight women preferred.
  • Career choices: P.E. teacher; basketball player; softball player; and professional golfer.

Psychology

  • History: Must have been abused.
  • Oedipal Complex: Hatred of fathers, except when they over-identify with them.
  • Childhood Obsessions: Monkeys as pets.
  • Adult Obsessions: Hating men.
  • Penis Envy: Yes.
  • Child lust: No.

Sex & Relationships

  • Onset of lesbianism: College — until graduation, in some cases.
  • Conversion: Lesbians can be converted with one internal application of human penis.
  • Madonna/Whore Complex: Many are technically virgins, because they've never gotten down with a dude.
  • Roles: Every lesbian relationship has a butch and a femme.
  • Timing: Lesbians move in together on the second date.
  • Sex: Once two lesbians move in together, they will never have sex again.
  • Break Ups: Bunny boiling provides the maximum drama all lesbians require.

Earlier: The L-Word
How To Recruit Ladies For The Lesbian "Lifestyle"