Jesusophile, a single Dutchman, has a few thoughts on why vaginal sex should be painful, the role of the clitoris and incorporating fruit into your lovemaking. We break it down with pictures after the jump.

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Jesusophile believes that the best way to demonstrate his understanding of the functioning of the female anatomy is with a tomato that he calls Natalie. He really likes Natalie.

Jesusophile is about to pentrate Natalie's soft squishy core with the best representation of his penis he could find to use on camera: a spoon. Anticipation, baby.

That first moment of sweet penetration always inspires this look.

Even Jesusophile is smart enough not to go all the way to the hilt in the first stroke.

Here, Jesusophile takes a moment to admire the hole he's created with his faux-phallus.

Does anyone else worry that he's about to eat Natalie out with some fava beans and a nice Chianti?

And then he fingers Natalia, delicately at first.

God made him do it! No, Natalie, run!

AHHHHHHHH! No one told me this was going to be slash porn!

He just can't believe what he's done!

Scared of his own brutal desires, Jesusophile resorts to sucking his thumb.

He says, "I am not sure how Jesus feels about licking [the clitoris]," which is why he resorts to sodomizing vegetables, mutilating them and eating them, because he's not sure God wants men to eat pussy.

In summary, when you are lacking in vegetables, "Put your sperm where is needs to be and, women, you can play with your clitoris. That's what God wants you to do."

And Now, A Safer Sex Message [Andrew Sullivan]