April marks Glamour's 70th birthday and the mag is celebrating by regurgitating advice from previous issues that we've wisely ignored and bringing up mistakes from our misspent youth that we'd rather not dwell on.

Like an "over the hill" birthday card, the April issue aims to amuse, but only reminds us that we've already wasted half our lives. It brought back flashes of younger and stupider days, when we identified with the lovelorn Joey Potter, frittered away precious hours reading books about The Baby-sitter's Club, and believed all the crap written in magazines. At least now we know that the mag's sex tips will probably lead to lead to injury and embarrassment rather than a guaranteed orgasm. We missed the "sex position that works every time" when it originally ran, but in case you're curious, you just put a pillow under your head and hips and "make sure he stays close to you during sex, moving up and down along your body so your pelvises stay in constant contact." If it works, we wish you many happy returns. Below, we unwrap the cover lines on this month's Glamour to find the lies presented within.