Men's Health Has You All Figured Out, Ladies

Oh, Men's Health. No matter how many times I swear I won't ever write about you again, you come up with yet another list of unintentional hilarity that just begs to be publicly dismantled. Excelsior!

Today's list is titled, "Sure Signs She's Interested," and is based on the idea that a woman decides whether or not to sleep with a man within 3 minutes of meeting him. This idea is nothing new; women's magazines often come up with similar lists based on the notion of initial sexual attraction (or rejection) but it's the slightly creepy tone of this piece that deserves a bit of attention. Or mockery. Whatevs.

So how does Men's Health instruct their readers to judge the reactions of women? Let's take a look, shall we?

Test 1: The Time Probe: "Forget your silly pickup line. Ask her for the time instead. If she answers with anything other than the time, she's interested. The only exception is "I don't know"—but only if she's not wearing a watch."

So remember ladies, if a strange man asks you the time, and you say, "I don't know," even while you're wearing a watch, it doesn't mean, "I don't want to talk to you, dude." It means, "Let's go have sex somewhere!"

Test 2: The Eye-Contact Probe:"While you're talking with her, sustain eye contact for a fraction of a second longer than what feels natural. If she holds your eye, she's interested. If she looks away, she's not."

If she holds your eye, dude, she might be trying to figure out why the hell you're staring at her. Or she might be making a composite sketch of your face in her head in order to make a mental "Avoid creepy staring dude" note. Also, I'm going to call bullshit on this one, as many people are quite shy, and while interested, don't like to show it by having an all-out staring contest.

Test 3: The Wink Probe:"If she makes a joke or someone else does something dumb, give her a wink and share the moment. If she relaxes or laughs, she's interested."

Oh dude, no. She's just laughing at you because you winked at her, in a non-ironic fashion.

Test 4: The Body-Check Probe: "Make eye contact, then quickly (in less than a second) pass your eyes down and up her body, then look back into her eyes. If she smiles when your eyes meet again, she's interested."

CREEPY.

Test 5: The Compliment Probe:"Pay her the kind of compliment a potential lover would make — it should be something personal but not overtly sexual. Also avoid the type of thing a friend might say; for instance, opt for "You have really great style" rather than "You have a really nice briefcase." If she smiles or thanks you warmly, she's interested. If she Maces you, she's not."

Right? Because a woman feeling threatened enough to Mace someone is hilarious. If she presses charges, she probably doesn't want to have sex with you either, right bro? You are brotally outrageous, bro. Bro sho.

Try This Mind Game:"If you know she's interested, tell her that the subconscious reveals a person's romantic feelings. Ask her to interlock her fingers as if she's making a gun, point it at you, and separate her index fingers as far as possible. Tell her that if her fingers slowly move back together, she's interested in the person she's pointing at. They will—they always do."

Also, if you shake the Magic 8 Ball, and it says, "Signs Point to Yes," she totally wants you, bro.

So let's put this together, shall we? In order to tell if a woman wants you, Men's Health style, you should stroll up to her and ask her the time. If she says, "It's time you get a watch, dude" you stare at her intensely as she attempts to walk away. Then add some flair to your creepy stare with a big ol' wink. When she laughs at your weirdness, look her body up and down. That will make her feel comfortable and not at all freaked out. Then tell her you like her style. If she still doesn't want to sleep with you, have her make a fake gun to point at your face. She'll fall for you in no time, bro. Because what woman doesn't want a winking, fake-gun toting, creepy staring, awkwardly complimenting, guy who looks her body up and down and doesn't wear his own watch? I mean, really.

5 Tests For Sexual Attraction [Men's Health]

Send an email to Hortense, the author of this post, at commenters@jezebel.com.

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