Conservatives Think Feminists Should Stay Away From Marriage

For a group of people who think their particular, religiously-inspired worldview should be foisted on others, conservative bloggers Kathryn Jean Lopez and Ace of Spades have some strong opinions on who shouldn't get hitched.

Two of those people are Feministing's Jessica Valenti and Andrew Golis. Valenti got engaged, announced it and opted to answer some probing questions about feminism, marriage and weddings from her commenters. As Salon's Tracy Clark-Flory said,

I finished the post and thought rather cheerily (to the tune of that Billy Idol song): It's a nice plan for a non-white feminist wedding, yeah!

Well, frankly, being kind of uninterested in marriage or weddings, I was more like, eh, good for her, where's my coffee? But same basic idea.

Conservatives, however, seem nearly as horrified at two feminists getting married as they do at two men or two women. Take K-Lo, whose original post has "mysteriously" disappeared from her blog but can be found cached here. K-Lo called Valenti a "Bridezilla" because... Valenti isn't changing her name? Is incorporating her political views on marriage equality into the ceremony? Bought a dress from an organization that gives the proceeds to charity? But if it's not that, it must be just that Jessica Valenti is a feminist and thus she is by definition an overbearing, demanding harpy of epic proportions and her wedding planning is, naturally, no different. I do love a good gendered insult in the morning.

Anonymous douchebag Ace of Spades goes above and beyond in his quest to define marriage as not just for one man and one woman, but for one man and one woman of the same "moral" and political values as his.

Everyone who believes that she was seriously considering delaying marriage until "everyone could," and believes she's looking at her wedding as a "pro-active way to talk about same sex marriage among our friends and family," rather than as Princess' Special Day, please raise your hand.

Your "hand," by the way, morons, is that paddle-like thingee at the end of your arm. You might know it better as your "finger-hoof."

It must be positively exhausting to have to pretend about caring so passionately about so much all the time.

His commenters then go on to throw around insults about Valenti's potential husband's masculinity.

Plenty has been written in defense of Valenti and her decision to get married and to talk about entering into a legal contract with deep roots in patriarchal society — from Jill at Feministe to Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon to the aforementioned Tracy Clark-Flory, all thoughtfully summarizing the hilarity and irony of the right-wingers rejecting two heterosexual applicants to their institution in such a sexist manner. So I could talk about the sexism promoted by K-Lo and AoS, the idea that marriage is only for two heterosexual people who accept traditional gender roles and religious beliefs in the strictest sense, or the idea that feminists are all man-hating harpies who eschew traditional social institutions is a fundamental misunderstanding of the gender equality that feminists are actually trying to bring to the world. But I've been beaten there by some smart women.

Instead, having read enough crap about marriage and what the institution should reflect, I'd like to present you with the conservative's marriage license application.

THE ALL NEW WEDDING APPLICATION

1. Name of the husband-to-be:
2. Name of the subservient wife-to-be:
3. Please affirm that you are both biologically different genders. __ Yes __ No
4. Please affirm that you practice a monotheistic religion regularly. __ Yes __ No
5. Please affirm that you are marrying for the sake of reproduction. __ Yes __ No
6. Please affirm your registration in the Republican, Conservative or Libertarian parties. __ Yes __ No
7. Please affirm that you reject Satan, Keith Olbermann, Nancy Pelosi and all their works. __ Yes __ No
8. Please state for the record that men and women are not and can never be equal. __ Yes __ No
9. Please state for the record that the man will "wear the pants" in your family. __ Yes __ No
10. Please state that you have never had, nor caused to be had, an abortion. __ Yes __ No
11. a. Please state that you are both virgins (if this is your first marriage). __ Yes __ No
b. If this is not a first marriage, please state that you haven't had sex with one another. __ Yes __ No
12. Please affirm your commitment to avoid oral sex of any variety. __ Yes __ No
13. Please affirm your commitment to stop having anal sex. __ Yes __ No
14. Please affirm your commitment to avoid the following sexual positions: female superior; doggie style; reverse cowgirl; from the side; anywhere but a bed; anything involving bondage (of the man); anything involving vibrators; and mutual orgasm. __ Yes __ No
15. Please state the date of your eventual divorce.

You've Never Met a Bridezilla Like a Feminist Bridezilla [NRO originally, now cached]
Jessica Valenti Getting Hitched [Ace of Spades]

Related: Does The Personal Always Have To Be Political? (And Can't It Ever Be Private?) [Feministing]
Adventures in Feminist Wedding Planning [Feministing]
Attack Of The Feminist Bridezilla! [Salon]
"Bridezilla"? Really? [Feministe]
The Bitterness Of Wingnuttery Distilled [Pandagon]

[Photo via "Bridezillas" on WEtv]