Susie Bright, sex-positive feminist and author, was gracious enough to help with your most troubling sex questions. All week, she and her daughter Aretha will be providing us with their sage advice. After the jump!
BF SAYS HE'S "MESSY"
My BF really wants to come in my mouth. I'm nervous about this because he says he's very messy. What should I be expecting? Is it a shooting feeling? A squirt-from-a-water-bottle feeling? I want to give him this experience but I'm afraid I'm going to end up choking or something equally disastrous. I've already gagged a couple of times after being a bit too adventurous. I do want to try it but I'm so scared!
Aretha: Are you SURE you want to try it? [Laughing] I think your boyfriend could be reassuring you a bit more. Does he know this is how you feel about it?
Susie: "Very messy?" Compared to what? I think guys exaggerate, ‘cause most of them haven't seen a lot of other guys come!
Aretha: Okay, FIRST-he could come earlier in the day, before you see each other, so that there isn't as much to deal with. The force isn't bad.
Susie: We're not talking about a fire hose; this is like a couple tablespoons at most
Aretha: Just a couple splats. Now, the taste is probably not going to thrill you-that's the thing that might make you gag, not the force of the ejaculation. Get ready to not like it. (Although there are exceptions!)
Susie: It isn't ice cream. Here's the exciting part: If you like the feeling of having someone lose control with you, you're going to love this! You won't know until you try it. It can be a real rush if you understand how much power you have. Have at least one hand on his cock so you can control it. If you start to choke, just pull back.
Aretha: Yeah- and just because he comes in your mouth, you don't have to swallow… although that will get it out of your mouth the fastest. Not too big a deal and if gets messy or whatever you can laugh about it. Have fun!
HOW MANY TIMES MUST A WOMAN BEND OVER?
I just started having anal sex with my boyfriend. We did it once. He is gentle and slow-going at it, because he doesn't want to hurt me. Although it was a bit uncomfortable, I enjoyed the sensation of it. But I didn't come. If we have anal sex as little as once every couple months, will I get used to it-and maybe come from it someday?
Aretha: Well, if you want to come from anything new, you're going to have to try it more than once every couple months. The first time was probably uncomfortable because it was unfamiliar to you.
Susie: I've glad he's gentle and slow…that means you can talk to him while it's happening. I like this guy already. He obviously has control of his erection, which makes a big difference! He'd love it if you talked to him. I know this is the sex educator mantra, but anal sex is about lubrication and communication-each one of those ideas is going to make a lot more sense the more you try it.
Aretha: You're not likely to orgasm from backdoor alone. Touch yourself, use a vibrator or something, so you can maximize your pleasure, which will make the whole thing go into a different dimension. Good luck!
I've been dating a transman for a while now, who lives as a male, but has not yet undergone any hormone or surgical transition. In the beginning, he loved sex between us and made it clear he identified as a straight man, exclusively. Then, out of nowhere on our last vacation, he got drunk and kissed another GUY at the bar, which he blamed on booze. Last night, drunk again, he said he thinks he might be into guys, but wants to be with me. So, do I call it a day, not being a guy and all? I'm pretty old-fashioned and if he was a bio-dude, I'd say "sayonara" (and probably throw a "Hooray, You're Gay" party to be supportive). Or, should I wait for him to bring this up when he's sober since he keeps blowing off the drunken gay-ness the next day when I ask about it?
Aretha: He was loving the sex with you? Do you mean that after he kissed a guy it all changed-or did your sex life get bad before that?
Susie: People get drunk and kiss other drunks all the time. But did it mean more to you at this stage because your sex life was in the toilet? It's only natural that things are going to get sloppy every once in a while, especially if your lover hasn't hashed everything out yet with his sexual feelings. Of course, he doesn't want to get "divorced" from you! You sound like his best friend. Did you witness the kissing or did he tell you about it? That's an important difference.
Aretha: If he'd kissed another women, would you have a problem with that? Is this a jealousy thing or are you starting to feel like he's not into women anymore, period? I agree with Susie, it's too early in the game to for either of you to decide whether he's "gay" or not. To the point, if the sex is sucking, who cares if he's gay, bi, or just naughty? Maybe it's time to leave.
Susie at Happy Ending Lounge, photo by Stacie Joy.